Sunday, September 4, 2011

6 Most Ridiculous Guinness World Records

I am going to start by stating that "ridiculous" can mean a multitude of things, and this article probably covers damn near all of them. The Guinness Book of World Records is normally home to a special breed of humans who have dedicated their lives to their hobby, or were born with an awful abnormality. However, there are those who manage to seep through the cracks, and make it into the prestigious club of Guinness World Records with around zero talent. These are the tales of such people.

1. Largest Gathering of Santa's Elves

I'll begin by saying that I would assume the largest gathering of elves to be at the north pole. Duh. However, the Guinness Book of World Records managed to find a group of people determined to absolutely ruin the lives of an entire city block during Christmas time.

"We bring you gifts of inconvenience!"
 People of all shapes and sizes appeared at the event on December 9th of 2009, dressed in their finest elvish garb.

$10 for the first person to point out who doesn't belong...

The record was set in New York, and every elf present participated in wholesome activities such as baking cookies, ice skating, wrapping presents, and holding fake strikes.

For logically working under the same conditions as Nike employees, they sport surprisingly peppy get-ups
They overtook the streets as Guinness World Record representatives carefully tallied the elves present at the event. The total number of elves, you might ask? 607. No but really, the entire city of New York apparently only had the capability of producing 600 people in cheap, Wal-Mart elf costumes. Are you kidding me? Whales was able to get nearly four-times that amount of people dressed as god-damned smurfs. Sadly, this record falls into a category characterized by not only a stupid idea, but an even worse follow through.

2. Longest Distance Dragged by Horse While on Fire

Let me start here by saying no, I am not fucking kidding you. I find myself wondering if this award came with the additional World Record for "Most Attention Hungry Man on Earth", but I have yet to find proper evidence of such. I digress. The man behind this death-wish of a record is Halapi Roland of Kisoroszi, Hungary. If I am the only one who found that this record made more sense when I found out that the guy was from Hungary, then I will attempt to beat his record. By the way, I'll say it again: I am nowhere close to kidding you right now. It's too bad no one even bothered to get photo or video evidence of the insane feat.

Oh wait. There is a picture, because there is a God.
All I can say is, congratulations Halapi. I hope your established record lives beyond your passing, which based on what appears to be in your list of hobbies should be in the next few years.

3. Most Straws Shoved Into Mouth

When we were kids, we all had childhood goals. Some kids wanted to be a firefighter, an astronaut, maybe even a Brazilian Massage-Therapist (I will NOT give up on my dreams, mom and dad). However, it seems that Germany's Simon Elmore grew up with different ambitions. Maybe it started with an ambitious encounter with a milkshake, or maybe he's just from Germany and really didn't have all that much to do. Either way, he holds the world record for the most straws shoved into one's mouth, managing to squeeze 400 straws between his lips.

He credits Uncle Gunther as his personal trainer

This sends the message that anyone, and I mean anyone, can obtain a Guinness World Record as long as they have
A. No friends
B. A shit-load of time
C. Any household object

4. Oldest Wingwalker

Around the time you turn 60, things start to change in permanent ways. Your back isn't what it used to be, not to mention your mind, and your kids have started to look into creative ways to try and cash in on your will and get you in a home. You start hitting on nurses, waitresses, and basically anyone with boobs and something resembling a personality. It's a sad life. That is, unless your name is Thomas Fucking Lackey (source needed for middle name). He holds the record for being the oldest wingwalker in the world. Also, just in case you were wondering what exactly "wingwalking" is...

"What's that? You kids think skateboarding is bad ass?"
Yes. That man standing on top of the airplane and giving death the finger is Thomas Lackey, and he is 90 years old. I don't know about you, but my biggest claim to fame when I'm 90 is going to be how many different plants I have growing above me. He has reportedly stated that his next goal is to cross the English Channel on a tamed Balrog (source needed).

5. Most Tattooed Senior-Citizen

I promise, you really have no clue where this is going. This record is maintained by 74 year old named Tom Leppard of the UK, who has 99.9% of his body covered in tattoos. On an important note, I have yet to find a source that states what that .01% portion of his skin is. I'll be accepting your best guesses in the comments below. Now, let's get to the important part. What kind of tattoos did Leppard go with? Possibly a creative, artistic tale of his life depicted through the ancient art of ink?

Where's a poacher when you need one?
Yes. Tom Leppard (get it?) decided that the ripe old age of 72 was the PERFECT time to cover his entire body in leopard print. I will give him credit, however, for the fact that he found a way to lose his shit in his old age by doing something other than making nude appearances at a playground. Although, depending on what that .01% of his skin is, it may or may not be an issue.

6. Largest Collection of Gnomes

There is one thing in this world that is creepier than your high-school gym teacher, and that is fucking gnomes. I have never, not once, seen a gnome that didn't have rape in it's eyes.

"There's no place like gnome, baby"

Having even a single gnome in your yard puts you on my list of likely rapists, due to the fact that at some point, you saw a garden gnome, looked into it's eyes, and decided that you needed to buy it. However, no one's gnomeo-sexuality (copyrighted) compares to that of Ann Atkins, of the UK. Over her life, she has collected a grand total of 2,042 gnomes. I wish I could say that was a typo, but it wasn't.

As you can see, the hauntingly blank stares are contagious.
Atkins lives with her gnomes on her four-acre piece of land in West Putford, Devon, UK. As far as I'm concerned, I have no problem with her if she, and her gnomes, stay in West Putford. 

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

4 Incredibly Badass Senior Citizens

When you hear the term "badass", you typically don't think of the liver spotted senior citizen who always tells you to back the hell off of his lawn. Normally, you assume that the poorly aged individual is all bark and no bite. However, there is an exception to every rule. The four old codgers on this list are all presented with situations that would make many a 20 year old piss themselves, and they laugh in the face of danger. These are the type of individuals that would kick your young, commie ass before you got them into a retirement home.

"Retirement home? Go to hell! But could you take me to a vet? Because these pythons are SICK!"
#4 - Old Man Needs No Doctor

Loyd Church, an 81 year old North Carolina resident was busy doing what men his age do: gardening his cucumbers. If you are about to pass judgment for his gardening hobby, keep on reading.

Midway through his daily task of tending to his garden, Church noticed some rattling. According to his own words, "I was picking cucumbers, and he was hiding up under them vines". "He" being a rather large Copperhead snake. The snake lashed out and bit Church between his thumb and index finger. Rather than panic, or simply keel over, Church maintained a calm composure and decided what he needed to do. Go to a doctor? Hell no, Church states that he avoids going to the doctor at all costs.

Venom, schmenom.
Picking up a trick that he had observed his dad doing years ago, Church went inside and grabbed a knife, knowing that he had little time. He cut his skin between the puncture wounds, and proceeded to suck the venom out of his hand. With his wound taken care of, he could have at least called a doctor to check up on it, right? Nope. Church had unfinished business to attend to. He walked up to the snake, which had made the foolish mistake of not getting the hell out of Church's wake, and stomped on it's head with his steel toed boots. Why? Because fuck that snake, that's why. Okay, so NOW he can go to a doctor? Not a chance, Church just continued gardening as if nothing had happened, and reveled in his own glory as a bad ass.

#3 - Don't Fuck With an Old Man's Dog
The following is another example of a reptile making the poor, poor choice of screwing with the elderly. Gary Murphy, 72, was in his Palm City, FL home when he heard his beloved terrier, "Doogie", whimpering in the back yard. Murphy, wearing nothing but his loafers, waltzed into his back yard to find that his precious Doogie was firmly clamped in the jaws of a 6 foot alligator. Granted, 6 feet isn't too long for a gator, but this man was 72 freaking years old, and an alligator is still a god-damned alligator, no matter what size.

"Why don't you just answer the door, pussy? It's only six feet or so!"
Murphy knew that he was running out of time, and quick. In all honesty, I would have left the damn dog, because I wouldn't be able to find a new arm at the humane society. Murphy, however, had witnessed just enough of this alligator's bullshit, and proceeded to jump on the gators back and beat the shit out of it with his loafers. You can say that a 72 year old man armed with his loafers probably isn't enough to fend off a gator, but this particular gator was done being on the receiving end of Murphy's elderly fury and got the hell out of there, sans dog. Murphy took Doogie to the vet, where the dog made a full recovery. Murphy, however, needed to schedule a doctors appointment to examine the new found impenetrable steel in his loins.

#2 - 100 Years Old and Still Kicking

Buster Martin is 100 years old. 100 god damned years old. The fact that he is able to walk is a miracle, but he showed a gang of teenage muggers that he could do much more than walk. After a night at the pub in Denmark Hill, London, Martin called it a night and started to head home. Once outside, the group of teens approached Martin and pushed him against a wall, demanding his money. Martin probably followed this request with a rude gesture, and they shoved him to the ground, at which point Martin states he "went mad". Martin, to the surprise of his attackers, just so happens to be a WWI and WWII veteran, and a self-proclaimed practitioner of kung-fu. What happened next probably left the three teenagers scarred for life.

My guess is that it went something like this
Martin stood up, and started to unleash his fury. He pushed one attacker against a wall, and then delivered a well placed "kung fu" kick right into one of the assailant's groin, at which point Martin says the teen "let out a scream". Realizing that they had made an awful, awful mistake, the attackers ran away and Martin kept his money. Would you like to see the face of the 100 year old man who managed to fight off 3 South London muggers?

Here he is running a marathon, with a god damn cigarette in his hand

Getting his drink on...

Flirting at his 102nd birthday party. "No I swear, it still gets about THIS long!"
How on earth does this crazy son-of-a-bitch stay alive? He clearly smokes, drinks, and is still beating up muggers and running marathons like it was no big deal. His key? He says that it is due to "the odd daily pint, a walk to the library and press-ups". Drinking and working out. Well, all right then.

#1 - The Geezer Who Cried Bear

James Wayndale and his father, Tom Wayndale, were out taking a hike near Edmonton, Canada. James, an avid sculpture maker, was looking for antlers to work on his current project. His father, who was 72 years old, is an avid wildlife expert and game expert. On the way back to their truck, they noticed a bear cub, and knew that shit was about to go downhill.

Pictured: Shit going downhill
The bear cubs mother came hurtling out of the trees and latched onto James' arm. Tom, not keen on seeing his son mauled by an ursine beast, started charging towards the bear, cursing the entire way. The bear instantly switched it's attention to Tom, and latched onto his hand. James came to his fathers aide and started beating the bear with a stick. The bear, now caught up in a violent variation of "monkey in the middle", went right back to James, grabbing his arm in it's deadly jaws. Tom was done playing games. He grabbed his walking stick, and charged the bear for the last time. When the bear turned and started to come back at him, Tom went sparta on the bears ass and rammed the walking stick down it's throat.

Tom Wayndale is 72 years old, and he slayed a freaking grizzly bear by shoving his walking stick down it's enraged esophagus. I am led to assume that from that day forward, Tom was both respected and feared by bears across the world, assuming the position of a demigod.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

5 Unfortunate Robbers (Who Have the Worst Luck)

Let me start by saying that thieves are not individuals who typically get my sympathy. They are lowlifes who try to get ahead by taking what isn't theirs, and that isn't right. These next five individuals, however, got themselves into situations that do merit some of my sympathy, because even robbers don't deserve some of the karma-delivered-whoop-ass that these gentleman got. Without further ado, here are the five most unfortunate robbers of all time.

#5 - Jewelry Robber Fail

The scene was perfect for any robber: a small time jewelry store that was owned by an elderly couple. It is literally the 50 year advancement of stealing candy from a baby. So when three Honduran thieves decided to clean out the small Houston Jewelry store, they could never have predicted how the story would end.

Pictured above: A hint
Everything was going according to plan as the robbers tied up one of the two store owners, Eva Castillo, to a chair. With her secured, they moved on to her husband, Ramon Castillo.

Read that name a few more times, and ask yourself if this is the type of guy who would watch three thieves tie up him and his wife and make way with his jewels. Answer: he fucking isn't. While the robbers began to tie up Castillo, he reached behind his back and pulled out a little surprise from his waistband. The surprise? A six-shooter pistol (the article doesn't specify what type of pistol it actually was, so I took some old-time Western liberties). He then proceeded to shoot the hell out of one robber until he died. Surprisingly undeterred, the two other robbers decided to pull out their guns and have a little shoot out. Castillo decided that this just wouldn't do, so he went back to his office and emerged with a shotgun.

"Get the hell out of my jewelry shop."
When the shootout was over, the three robbers were dead, and Ramon Castillo stood alive and well. Oh wait, just kidding, they actually shot Castillo three times. This is oddly three more bullets than the amount of shits Castillo gave about being shot. In fact, he didn't even realize he had been shot at first. With the three robbers dead, Castillo initially walked outside of the store to see if there were any more Honduran's who wanted some good ol' fashioned lead poisoning. Castillo remained in surgery for a few days after the shoot out, and then proceeded to haul him and his enormous balls back to the jewelry store, fantasizing about the next time a few dumb asses would allow him to relieve his blood lust.

I couldn't find a picture of Castillo, so here's The Undertaker
 #4 - Subway Surprise

Donicio Arrendell and Frederick Gadson were looking for some money, and a thrill to go along with. Their remedy for such a need? Robbing a Subway. Although that would not be my first choice of venue to rob, they were bound and determined to get what they wanted, and entered the store in Plantation, Florida with masks on and guns drawn (this catchphrase is copyrighted. By me). They quickly convinced the cashier that his bosses money was not worth dying over, and they probably stopped to think "huh. That was easy". They then decided to do something even easier by turning to 71 year old John Lovell, who was enjoying his sandwich, and asked for his wallet. Lovell, who had apparently just acquired some steel balls to go with his steel hip, politely told them "No".

"Got to hell, hippie!"
The robbers quickly informed Lovell that their question did not fall into the "yes or no" response category, and began to force him into the ladies room. Why the ladies room? It's Florida, don't ask questions. However, they were unaware of one minor detail about Lovell, this being that he was a retired "Marine One" helicopter pilot. Lovell, clearly done with the game of "cops and robbers", whipped out a .45 caliber pistol and shot one of the robbers square in the face, and then in the chest for good measure. His counterpart being very, very dead, Gadson decided it was his time to dip out. But Lovell was having none of that, and left Gadson with a souvenir: a bullet in his chest.

Lovell faced absolutely zero consequences for wasting the two robbers because he was also carrying his concealed weapons permit. Lovell went on to become the most bad ass senior citizen living in Florida.

#3 - Beauty School Drop Kick

The Blalock Beauty college in Shreveport, Louisiana got quite the surprise when 24 year old Jared Gipson barged in and announced that he was conducting a robbery. Gipson, however, was about to learn that of any demographic you do not want to threaten in large numbers, black women rank pretty high.

He made everybody lie down, and then more or less threatened to start killing some of the students, threatening one woman with his gun and saying that she would be the "first to go". He collected everybody's money, and started pushing the college's one male employee to the back of the room. All of a sudden, he decided he didn't really need to start killing anyone (good call), and made a break for the front door. This is where things took the turn for the worse.

"Aw HELL no."
That is when the manager of the beauty college, Dianne Mitchell, stuck out her leg and tripped the gunman. The aforementioned male student jumped on his back, and then all hell broke loose. The female students grabbed anything at their disposal, which included curling irons, chairs, and a table leg, and proceeded to beat the everloving shit out of Gipson. After a few minutes, Gipson was reportedly crying in pain, bleeding, and had literally shit himself. He tried to crawl away, but the women held onto his legs and beat him until the authorities arrived. He was admitted to the hospital having sustained multiple lacerations, and was then charged with armed robbery.

I am very close to sending him a get well letter, because nobody deserves to single handedly take on the brunt force of 15-20 furious black women. Get well soon, Jared.

Oddly enough, this is not the last event on this list that has to do with an angry hairdresser. The next one is just a little more horrifying.

#2 - Lesser of Two Evils

Let's start off by saying that this all takes place in Russia. It should make the shock and horror come down a notch with the lack of surprise.

Shit gets crazy up there
According to police, a 32 year old man walked in a Hair Salon and took out a gun, demanding the money of the employees and customers. Unfortunately for Gustav (I'm naming him Gustav), the owner of the salon had a heavy amount of martial arts training, and was having just about none of that bullshit. Using her previous experience in the area of ass-kicking, she successfully disarmed the robber and the day was saved! Just kidding.


She did disarm the robber, but what she proceeded to do after that is, well, scary as shit. She used a hairdryer cord to tie the man to a radiator, and for the next 48 hours, she forced him to take viagra, and then would rape him at her hearts desire. After two days of sex-slave hell, she released the man. After seeking medical attention for damage to his genitals, the man went to the police department and reported the woman for taking him prisoner and sexually molesting him. The woman then proceeded to report him for armed robbery.

The police were understandably confused, and made the decision to put both of them behind bars. Which is unfair, because I would say that serving 48 hours as the sex-prisoner of a crazy-as-shit Russian woman is MORE than punishment enough.


#1 - Ass Karma


Oh boy. Oooooooh boy. Here we go.

A man in London decided that he felt like robbing a museum, which if he had seen any movies in his lifetime, should have instantly sprung up as a very, very bad choice.

Hope you're flexible
Anyways, the man hardly stepped foot into the museum before an alarm that his dumb ass sprung scared him off. He leaped out a window, choosing a nearby tree as his escape route. Below him sat the metal fence of karma. What proceeded to happen is truly beyond words. He slipped from the tree, fell a story or so, and then...well...well just see for yourself.


I SO warned you.
Yes, that is a real fucking picture of the aforementioned museum robber getting sodomized by the cold, metallic schlong of karma. When the mans rectum met the point of the fence, he screamed so loudly that a man driving by heard and instantly called the police. The fire department rushed to the rescue, and attempted to free the man from his pointed nightmare. Here is a picture of the fire department trying to free him from his pointed nightmare.

"PLEASE don't tell my mom..."
I don't care if this man was attempting to steal the god damned ark of the covenant, nobody deserves to have 30 cm of publicly funded fencing shoved up their ass. The man suffered severe damage to his rectum, intestines, and his pride.

Just one more picture to remind you of why stealing is bad.

Pictured above: the number one reason to NEVER steal

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

5 Ridiculous PETA Quotes

Before you say anything, you knew this was coming. This blog has had some controversial moments, and you knew that somewhere in here, PETA would get theirs. I would honestly feel worse about offending some people if it weren't for the fact that it is becoming more and more clear that a good amount of PETA's higher-up's are bat-shit crazy. Below are some quotes from very respected (let's go with recognized (let's go with bat-shit crazy)) PETA officials, and some of them are...fuck it, just look for yourself.

#1 - Eating Meat = Domestic Violence

Starting us off strong will be the vice-president of PETA, Bruce Friedrich. At the 2002 Animal Rights Convention, he unleashed this tidbit of wisdom on the crowd:

"Eating meat is not your personal decision, any more than, you know, whether somebody beats their child is their personal decision." - Bruce Friedrich

Wait, what? Did Friedrich just compare waltzing down the street and grabbing a McChicken to beating your own offspring?

"What the hell?"
Little Suzie up there is right. What the hell is Bruce talking about? I understand that eating meat is somebody's personal choice, and there is no reason to ridicule someone for being a pansy. But saying that it holds the same amount of moral standing as deciding to not beat your child is probably stretching it a little far don't you think? Sadly, as this article will show again, and again, and again, PETA seems to hold their children in the same regard as poultry and other such animals.

#2 - Fire and Brimstone for Meat Eaters

Yet again, Bruce Friedrich has not-so-innocently stumbled onto this list. By the end of this article, you are going to question this man's sanity. This is a quote that was not only recorded in writing, but in audio as well. The quote? You might want to sit down.

"It would be great if all the fast-food outlets, slaughterhouses, these laboratories and the banks who fund them exploded tomorrow." Bruce Friedrich

Serves you right.
Yes, on top of being a proponent of domestic violence (source needed), Friedrich is apparently a big proponent of blowing up buildings that have shit-tonnes of people in them. Imagine if his wish came true; the death count would definitely be in the millions, and he's pretty much okay with that.

"Sounds about right"
#3 - Crime is Fine with Animals on the Line

Alex Pacheco, the director of PETA, has no problem speaking his mind (it is starting to seem that it's a requirement if you wish to work for PETA). In fact, he made a statement that appears to be that of a terrorist mindset, having been quoted saying:

"Arson, property destruction, burglary and theft are 'acceptable crimes' when used for the animal cause." - Alex Pacheco

Oh really? Because no they fucking aren't. 

"Really? Well you should have just told us that this was all in the name of Prince Puffington!"
 According to PETA's director, doing crime in the name of the animal kingdom is basically a virtual "get out of jail free" card for any type of crime. Not even petty crime, either. This man is proposing that things such as burglary, property destruction, and lighting shit on fire is all perfectly fine as long as their is an animal cause at hand. 

"Mittens" would be so proud.
 #4 - KFC = Auschwitz

No, the title of this section is not an over-exaggeration. Like, at all. This doozy of a quote comes from the President of PETA herself, Ingrid Newkirk. There really is no preface necessary for this quote, so let's just jump right in.

"Six million Jews died in concentration camps, but six billion broiler chickens will die this year in slaughter houses." - Ingrid Newkirk

Even though this quote, by itself, is merely stating facts, I'm pretty sure there was more intent that that. The intent being that she believes that chicken breast you're about to eat might as well have come from Anne Frank's thigh. Yes, she is insinuating that America's killing of millions of chicken for things like sustenance and nourishment is in the same category of "not okay" as the freaking genocide. 

Listen guys, I know this sucks, but think about the chickens.
#5 - Tom Regan is a Douche-bag

You could say that the label for this section isn't very creative, but after reading this quote by animal rights author and philosopher Tom Regan, you won't be able to say that it isn't the truth. Regan was presented with a hypothetical scenario that involved a baby and a dog in a capsized boat. The question was this: who would he save? His answer?

"If it were a retarded baby and a bright dog, I'd save the dog." - Tom Regan

 WHOA THERE, Tom Regan. Nobody presented the mental status of the child, nor the dog. However, he is making it perfectly clear that if the baby was retarded, well then fuck him.

"Are you SHITTING me right now?"
No, Damien, Regan has made his position clear. If you were drowning in the ocean, struggling for your last breath of life, and there was a fairly intelligent cockier spaniel drowning next to you, I wouldn't get your hopes up. 

Pictured above: a complete asshole

So there you have it. As much as PETA loves them some cuddly animals, here is a list of things they will not tolerate:

- Domestic violence getting more attention than those evil carnivores
- Non-flame-engulfed fast food joints and slaughter houses
- Getting convicted for crimes
- Jews being held in higher regard than chickens
- The mentally disabled

If you respected PETA before this, well now you should have some serious thinking to do. My suggestion? Steak makes great brain food.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

5 Reasons Why Glee is Completely Outlandish

Let me start off by saying that I love Glee. Every night that involves a new episode entails me, popcorn, a snuggie and some lube—I mean—butter. Anyways, I think the cast is exceptionally talented, and they pull off every song they do with fantastic results.

Pictured: Fantastic results

The only problem is this: whatever reality these show choir teens live in, it sure as hell isn't ours. Everything about this show, when compared with real life circumstances, is completely ludicrous.

And not the good kind, either. 

 #5 - The Characters

The new hit show for tween girls and homosexuals, Glee, is cast in the surprisingly glamorous world of Lima, Ohio. In the first season, we are introduced to the cast as they are starting their sophomore year of high school. The Glee club quickly comes to consist of a football captain, a pair of Asians, a few cheerleaders, the most annoying spawn of life you have ever met, a soul sista', and a cripple. And a few filler characters that were never seen again...

Seriously, what the FUCK happened to this kid?!
Allow me to return to the point at hand: the reason as to why nothing makes sense about these characters.

Well, for starters, let's point out the fact that at the beginning of their sophomore year, most of these kids should technically be 15 years old. That means they shouldn't even be old enough to drive a car without their parents, which is odd, considering most of them look old enough to have a freaking family.

If this girl is 15, then I am having some truly disturbing feelings right now.
However, one can look past the...well...looks, and just look at the freaking talent that these kids appear to posses at 15 years old. According to the writers of Glee, this is what a sophomore show choir from Ohio sounds like.

They're all so excited for their drivers tests.
Want to know why these kids look and sing absolutely nothing like any 15 year old alive? Probably due to the fact that a few of them are seasoned Broadway performers, and all of them are in their damned twenties. Rachel, for example? The actor/Broadway-star/all-around-freak-of-nature who plays her, Lea Michele, is in her fucking twenties. How about Finn, the lovable football dork? Well, he is played by Cory Monteith, who is almost thirty. In fact, the youngest actor on the show is Chris Colfer, who plays Kurt Hummel. How old is he? Well, he can go out and by any damned cocktail he wanted, because his ass is 21 friggin' years old. If these characters were the age of the characters they are currently playing, they wouldn't be able to buy a pack of smokes.

"This sort of tastes like I could go to jail for hitting someone..."
#4 - Their Props

Let's be real here, no one can help but notice that the high school from Glee appears to have the means, resources, and free-fucking-money that allows it to give the show choir kids (a group that a majority of the school detests) the ability to perform a Broadway level song every time one of the members has a freaking breakup.

"Damn, our Booster Club is awesome!"
These kids have been singing on elaborate stage set ups that an extremely affluent high school couldn't even afford for their once-every-two-years musical; and these kids use these stage set-ups when they aren't even freaking performing. Here's a little taste of what these show choir students were allowed to do to their school's stage just so they could "express themselves".

"Wait...what ABOUT the Drama Club?"
The fact is, the performances that these 15 year old demi-gods of music are able to give for their own pleasure would end up costing an outlandish amount of money. The fact is, there is no chance that a high school from what appears to be a small Ohio town would be able to afford this type of shit, and there is even less of a chance that if a school with that type of money would be generously sharing it with their music department.

"Hey man, I know these things cost $4,000 a pop...but shouldn't our football team have helmets?"
#3 - Their Songs

Despite the fact that I know every one of you soaks up cheap, high school drama like a college freshman on a beer spill, but there is one reason as to why you watch Glee: the performances. It's all about the music in the show, and quite frankly, it is outstanding. These our Broadway level singers taking on pop tunes that we all recognize and submit ourselves to enjoying. Here's the thing, though. In the world of Glee, these teens make no mistakes, and they appear to have zero practice.

"We whipped this shit up during the last passing period."
The quality of every song they sing is incredible, which is more than amazing for a high school choir. The real icing on the cake, however, is the choreography. A lot of these songs appear to be performed in an impromptu fashion, but these kids all have the magical ability to whip their ass into High School Musical gear before anyone has the time to utter a cheesy lead in line. But again, you never, EVER see them practice. These kids have surpassed just being exceedingly talented sophomores in high school and show-tuned their way into a likelihood of not even being human.

Just look at that icy, cold stare.
#2 - Supporting Musicians

Apart from the fact that Rachel refers to the shows main pianist as nothing more than a piece of furniture (which is rebutted with said pianists suicidal shoulder shrug), Glee makes it seem as if William McKinley High School has some questionable resources apart from their abundance of professional equipment. No, I am referring to these guys.

You were expecting a picture, weren't you? Well, not only do the background musicians in Glee get no acknowledgment for possessing human qualities in their show, they get none in real life. If you type in "Glee Background Musicians" on Google images, guess what you get? Well, mostly just pictures of the main characters. Ouch.

Think about it, every time you watch Glee, the main characters can break into song whenever they want to with the full confidence that they will have musical lemmings somewhere in the vicinity, waiting on their cue, and coming in with a perfect performance.

"I really hope I get to eat today."
They don't appear to ever have classes, they don't appear to really even have souls. They are treated like mere objects; in the eyes of the show choir students, these well trained and obviously talented musicians are no more than sacks of flesh that enable them to live an ignorant karaoke life. What's worse is that you will often see the main characters kick these guys off their instruments, just to seal in the fact they really don't need them.

See? Even a cripple can do it. Feel Special now?
#1 - Sue Sylvester

Pictured above: pure rage incarnate
Now, some of you may be confused as to why Sue Sylvester is on this list. Sure, if the title of this article had been "Why the World of Glee is Horrifying" or "Why the World of Glee Isn't Safe for Children", she'd have earned this spot with a focused punch to the stomach of a pregnant cheerleader (she has made it clear in the shows past that pregnant girls are useless). But why does Sue Sylvester make the world of Glee unrealistic? We've all had those nasty teachers that hate us and everything we stand for before.

Yeah we get it, Mrs. Shelley. Fuck you too.
Here is a very, VERY short track record of Sue Sylvester's misdeeds.

- Has attempted to launch a student out of a malfunctioning human cannon, making her sign a waiver first so that she nor her family can sue her if (when) she dies or gets seriously injured
- Pushes kids in the hallway (multiple times) for no other reason than her pure unbridled hysteria
- Starts an actual stampede in the school auditorium, which wouldn't be so bad if those didn't, you know, fucking kill people
- Rerouted the Glee Club's plane tickets to New York to land in Libya, where they would "be surrounded by armed militia"

Okay, so what? I've proved that she is at least a bitch of massive proportions, but what does that have to do with the show being unrealistic?

If you have been to a high school, ever, you have been around or at least heard about stories where a teacher almost loses his job for some stupid reason. Like this lady, who got fired from the Christian school she worked at for having sex three weeks before her wedding date.

The point is this: teachers get fired all the time, whether they actually did something petty, or people think they did something petty. Sylvester has supposedly worked at William McKinley High School for years, and in just two years of following her activities there, she has already committed the crimes assault, potential manslaughter if Brittany has gotten in the cannon, and God knows what else! You're telling me that she would hold on to her fucking teaching license with that kind of history?

"We call bullshit"
True, teachers can be awful, mean, degrading, and basically crazy, and still slip under the radar of their superiors. Sometimes. 

However, a student should never realistically have the fear that today might be the day that the bat-shit crazy PE teacher assaults her in a crime of relentless anger and hate, or attempts to sacrifice her life in an attempt to win a cheer leading competition.