5 Ridiculous PETA Quotes

Before you say anything, you knew this was coming. This blog has had some controversial moments, and you knew that somewhere in here, PETA would get theirs. I would honestly feel worse about offending some people if it weren't for the fact that it is becoming more and more clear that a good amount of PETA's higher-up's are bat-shit crazy. Below are some quotes from very respected (let's go with recognized (let's go with bat-shit crazy)) PETA officials, and some of them are...fuck it, just look for yourself.



#1 - Eating Meat = Domestic Violence

Starting us off strong will be the vice-president of PETA, Bruce Friedrich. At the 2002 Animal Rights Convention, he unleashed this tidbit of wisdom on the crowd:

"Eating meat is not your personal decision, any more than, you know, whether somebody beats their child is their personal decision." - Bruce Friedrich

Wait, what? Did Friedrich just compare waltzing down the street and grabbing a McChicken to beating your own offspring?

"What the hell?"

Little Suzie up there is right. What the hell is Bruce talking about? I understand that eating meat is somebody's personal choice, and there is no reason to ridicule someone for being a pansy. But saying that it holds the same amount of moral standing as deciding to not beat your child is probably stretching it a little far don't you think? Sadly, as this article will show again, and again, and again, PETA seems to hold their children in the same regard as poultry and other such animals.

#2 - Fire and Brimstone for Meat Eaters

Yet again, Bruce Friedrich has not-so-innocently stumbled onto this list. By the end of this article, you are going to question this man's sanity. This is a quote that was not only recorded in writing, but in audio as well. The quote? You might want to sit down.

"It would be great if all the fast-food outlets, slaughterhouses, these laboratories and the banks who fund them exploded tomorrow." Bruce Friedrich

Serves you right.

Yes, on top of being a proponent of domestic violence (source needed), Friedrich is apparently a big proponent of blowing up buildings that have shit-tonnes of people in them. Imagine if his wish came true; the death count would definitely be in the millions, and he's pretty much okay with that.

"Sounds about right"

#3 - Crime is Fine with Animals on the Line

Alex Pacheco, the director of PETA, has no problem speaking his mind (it is starting to seem that it's a requirement if you wish to work for PETA). In fact, he made a statement that appears to be that of a terrorist mindset, having been quoted saying:

"Arson, property destruction, burglary and theft are 'acceptable crimes' when used for the animal cause." - Alex Pacheco

Oh really? Because no they fucking aren't. 

"Really? Well you should have just told us that this was all in the name of Prince Puffington!"

 According to PETA's director, doing crime in the name of the animal kingdom is basically a virtual "get out of jail free" card for any type of crime. Not even petty crime, either. This man is proposing that things such as burglary, property destruction, and lighting shit on fire is all perfectly fine as long as their is an animal cause at hand. 

"Mittens" would be so proud.

 #4 - KFC = Auschwitz


No, the title of this section is not an over-exaggeration. Like, at all. This doozy of a quote comes from the President of PETA herself, Ingrid Newkirk. There really is no preface necessary for this quote, so let's just jump right in.


"Six million Jews died in concentration camps, but six billion broiler chickens will die this year in slaughter houses." - Ingrid Newkirk


Even though this quote, by itself, is merely stating facts, I'm pretty sure there was more intent that that. The intent being that she believes that chicken breast you're about to eat might as well have come from Anne Frank's thigh. Yes, she is insinuating that America's killing of millions of chicken for things like sustenance and nourishment is in the same category of "not okay" as the freaking genocide. 

Listen guys, I know this sucks, but think about the chickens.

#5 - Tom Regan is a Douche-bag

You could say that the label for this section isn't very creative, but after reading this quote by animal rights author and philosopher Tom Regan, you won't be able to say that it isn't the truth. Regan was presented with a hypothetical scenario that involved a baby and a dog in a capsized boat. The question was this: who would he save? His answer?


"If it were a retarded baby and a bright dog, I'd save the dog." - Tom Regan

 WHOA THERE, Tom Regan. Nobody presented the mental status of the child, nor the dog. However, he is making it perfectly clear that if the baby was retarded, well then fuck him.

"Are you SHITTING me right now?"

No, Damien, Regan has made his position clear. If you were drowning in the ocean, struggling for your last breath of life, and there was a fairly intelligent cockier spaniel drowning next to you, I wouldn't get your hopes up. 

Pictured above: a complete asshole

So there you have it. As much as PETA loves them some cuddly animals, here is a list of things they will not tolerate:


- Domestic violence getting more attention than those evil carnivores
- Non-flame-engulfed fast food joints and slaughter houses
- Getting convicted for crimes
- Jews being held in higher regard than chickens
- The mentally disabled


If you respected PETA before this, well now you should have some serious thinking to do. My suggestion? Steak makes great brain food.

5 Reasons Why Glee is Completely Outlandish

Let me start off by saying that I love Glee. Every night that involves a new episode entails me, popcorn, a snuggie and some lube—I mean—butter. Anyways, I think the cast is exceptionally talented, and they pull off every song they do with fantastic results.

Pictured: Fantastic results

The only problem is this: whatever reality these show choir teens live in, it sure as hell isn't ours. Everything about this show, when compared with real life circumstances, is completely ludicrous.

And not the good kind, either. 

 #5 - The Characters

The new hit show for tween girls and homosexuals, Glee, is cast in the surprisingly glamorous world of Lima, Ohio. In the first season, we are introduced to the cast as they are starting their sophomore year of high school. The Glee club quickly comes to consist of a football captain, a pair of Asians, a few cheerleaders, the most annoying spawn of life you have ever met, a soul sista', and a cripple. And a few filler characters that were never seen again...

Seriously, what the FUCK happened to this kid?!

Allow me to return to the point at hand: the reason as to why nothing makes sense about these characters.

Well, for starters, let's point out the fact that at the beginning of their sophomore year, most of these kids should technically be 15 years old. That means they shouldn't even be old enough to drive a car without their parents, which is odd, considering most of them look old enough to have a freaking family.

If this girl is 15, then I am having some truly disturbing feelings right now.

However, one can look past the...well...looks, and just look at the freaking talent that these kids appear to posses at 15 years old. According to the writers of Glee, this is what a sophomore show choir from Ohio sounds like.

They're all so excited for their drivers tests.

Want to know why these kids look and sing absolutely nothing like any 15 year old alive? Probably due to the fact that a few of them are seasoned Broadway performers, and all of them are in their damned twenties. Rachel, for example? The actor/Broadway-star/all-around-freak-of-nature who plays her, Lea Michele, is in her fucking twenties. How about Finn, the lovable football dork? Well, he is played by Cory Monteith, who is almost thirty. In fact, the youngest actor on the show is Chris Colfer, who plays Kurt Hummel. How old is he? Well, he can go out and by any damned cocktail he wanted, because his ass is 21 friggin' years old. If these characters were the age of the characters they are currently playing, they wouldn't be able to buy a pack of smokes.

"This sort of tastes like I could go to jail for hitting someone..."

#4 - Their Props

Let's be real here, no one can help but notice that the high school from Glee appears to have the means, resources, and free-fucking-money that allows it to give the show choir kids (a group that a majority of the school detests) the ability to perform a Broadway level song every time one of the members has a freaking breakup.

"Damn, our Booster Club is awesome!"

These kids have been singing on elaborate stage set ups that an extremely affluent high school couldn't even afford for their once-every-two-years musical; and these kids use these stage set-ups when they aren't even freaking performing. Here's a little taste of what these show choir students were allowed to do to their school's stage just so they could "express themselves".

"Wait...what ABOUT the Drama Club?"

The fact is, the performances that these 15 year old demi-gods of music are able to give for their own pleasure would end up costing an outlandish amount of money. The fact is, there is no chance that a high school from what appears to be a small Ohio town would be able to afford this type of shit, and there is even less of a chance that if a school with that type of money would be generously sharing it with their music department.

"Hey man, I know these things cost $4,000 a pop...but shouldn't our football team have helmets?"

#3 - Their Songs

Despite the fact that I know every one of you soaks up cheap, high school drama like a college freshman on a beer spill, but there is one reason as to why you watch Glee: the performances. It's all about the music in the show, and quite frankly, it is outstanding. These our Broadway level singers taking on pop tunes that we all recognize and submit ourselves to enjoying. Here's the thing, though. In the world of Glee, these teens make no mistakes, and they appear to have zero practice.

"We whipped this shit up during the last passing period."

The quality of every song they sing is incredible, which is more than amazing for a high school choir. The real icing on the cake, however, is the choreography. A lot of these songs appear to be performed in an impromptu fashion, but these kids all have the magical ability to whip their ass into High School Musical gear before anyone has the time to utter a cheesy lead in line. But again, you never, EVER see them practice. These kids have surpassed just being exceedingly talented sophomores in high school and show-tuned their way into a likelihood of not even being human.

Just look at that icy, cold stare.

#2 - Supporting Musicians

Apart from the fact that Rachel refers to the shows main pianist as nothing more than a piece of furniture (which is rebutted with said pianists suicidal shoulder shrug), Glee makes it seem as if William McKinley High School has some questionable resources apart from their abundance of professional equipment. No, I am referring to these guys.

You were expecting a picture, weren't you? Well, not only do the background musicians in Glee get no acknowledgment for possessing human qualities in their show, they get none in real life. If you type in "Glee Background Musicians" on Google images, guess what you get? Well, mostly just pictures of the main characters. Ouch.

Think about it, every time you watch Glee, the main characters can break into song whenever they want to with the full confidence that they will have musical lemmings somewhere in the vicinity, waiting on their cue, and coming in with a perfect performance.

"I really hope I get to eat today."

They don't appear to ever have classes, they don't appear to really even have souls. They are treated like mere objects; in the eyes of the show choir students, these well trained and obviously talented musicians are no more than sacks of flesh that enable them to live an ignorant karaoke life. What's worse is that you will often see the main characters kick these guys off their instruments, just to seal in the fact they really don't need them.

See? Even a cripple can do it. Feel Special now?

#1 - Sue Sylvester

Pictured above: pure rage incarnate

Now, some of you may be confused as to why Sue Sylvester is on this list. Sure, if the title of this article had been "Why the World of Glee is Horrifying" or "Why the World of Glee Isn't Safe for Children", she'd have earned this spot with a focused punch to the stomach of a pregnant cheerleader (she has made it clear in the shows past that pregnant girls are useless). But why does Sue Sylvester make the world of Glee unrealistic? We've all had those nasty teachers that hate us and everything we stand for before.

Yeah we get it, Mrs. Shelley. Fuck you too.

Here is a very, VERY short track record of Sue Sylvester's misdeeds.

- Has attempted to launch a student out of a malfunctioning human cannon, making her sign a waiver first so that she nor her family can sue her if (when) she dies or gets seriously injured
- Pushes kids in the hallway (multiple times) for no other reason than her pure unbridled hysteria
- Starts an actual stampede in the school auditorium, which wouldn't be so bad if those didn't, you know, fucking kill people
- Rerouted the Glee Club's plane tickets to New York to land in Libya, where they would "be surrounded by armed militia"
- This

Okay, so what? I've proved that she is at least a bitch of massive proportions, but what does that have to do with the show being unrealistic?

If you have been to a high school, ever, you have been around or at least heard about stories where a teacher almost loses his job for some stupid reason. Like this lady, who got fired from the Christian school she worked at for having sex three weeks before her wedding date.

Slut.

The point is this: teachers get fired all the time, whether they actually did something petty, or people think they did something petty. Sylvester has supposedly worked at William McKinley High School for years, and in just two years of following her activities there, she has already committed the crimes assault, potential manslaughter if Brittany has gotten in the cannon, and God knows what else! You're telling me that she would hold on to her fucking teaching license with that kind of history?

"We call bullshit"

True, teachers can be awful, mean, degrading, and basically crazy, and still slip under the radar of their superiors. Sometimes. 

However, a student should never realistically have the fear that today might be the day that the bat-shit crazy PE teacher assaults her in a crime of relentless anger and hate, or attempts to sacrifice her life in an attempt to win a cheer leading competition.

"FEAR ME! WORSHIP ME, DAMN IT!"

4 People Who Don't Want to Hear You Whine

Sometimes, the physical aspects of life can really wear you down. Maybe it's that 15 minute walk to your 9:00 AM class, or that awful hill you have to conquer before making it to work. Either way, we all get handed little physical trials in life, and we love to handle them in one way, and one way only: we bitch about them. It's understandable, because nobody can truly feel the pain we feel when we have to walk through the snow on our way to the coffee shop.

"Everyone at work will be hearing about THIS bullshit"

However, there are at least four people that would listen to 30 seconds of these sob stories and proceed to either laugh at you, or give you the finger.


#1 - Jim Abbott: One-Handed MLB Pitcher

If you have followed professional baseball at all, you know two things: it really sucks to follow professional baseball, and that having two hands is generally a good idea before attempting to play. Jim Abbott would disagree with you on both. Abbott was born a healthy baby despite one minor setback, he didn't have a freaking right hand. Now, most people would learn to deal with this disability, of course, but Abbott wasn't satisfied with just living up to normal expectations and he decided to tell his disability to take a hike and went on to become an All-American college pitcher and MLB pitching legend. That is more than about 99.99% of you will ever accomplish with both of your damn hands.

"*cough* pussy! *cough*"

How, exactly, did Jim Abbott manage to play a most-definitely two handed sport with only one hand? We would normally assume that it was due to an abnormal amount of "don't-give-a-shit" in his DNA, but apparently he had a tried and true technique that he had developed to overcome his shortfall. He would pitch with his left hand, mounting a right-handed glove on his--umm--stump, and slip his hand into the glove immediately after releasing the ball with enough time to field any balls that were hit in his direction. When he fielded a ball, he would slip his hand back out of the glove, grab the ball from the glove, and proceed to throw out the sorry asshole who thought it was clever of himself to bunt at a pitcher with a handicap.

"How the HELL does he keep on doing that?!"

All in all, Abbott managed to play professional baseball for ten years for four different teams, and even managed to throw a no-hitter when pitching for the Yankees, an accomplishment that most two-handed pitchers can't even manage to get under their belt. You know, not a big deal or anything.

#2 - Casey Pieretti: Rollerblader and Professional "No-Shits" Giver

In November of 1985, Pieretti was a 19 year old basketball player under scholarship at Nevada's Wassuck College. On a weekend, he was playing designated driver for all of his drunken friends. When they were almost to their destination, the car broke down, and the universe released an ominous "dunh-dunh-DUUUUUUNHHHH". Pieretti, only a few blocks from his house, decided to get behind the car and push his drunken friends back home. However, while under a street light wearing extremely bright clothing, a drunk driver managed to smash Pieretti between the two cars, completely smashing his right leg and, according to Pieretti, "only kind of smashing the left one".  Although he had been sandwiched between two metal death traps, Pieretti likes to note that hiscar rolled all the away into his driveway, evidence that he still got the job done.

"And the award for Best DD goes to..."

Luckily for Pieretti, an EMT managed to drive by and notice him laying in the yard bleeding from both legs, and drinking a beer he had opened with the teeth of the dead drunk drivers body (need source). Upon arriving at the hospital, it became obvious that thy would need to remove his leg from the knee down. Most people in this situation would have cried, eaten incessantly, cried some more, and lived the rest of their lives off of the settlement. Pieretti decided he would go with being a friggin' triathlete. And he did, until he broke his one remaining ankle during a race.

"SON OF A BITCH!"

Okay, at this point, most of us probably would have offed ourselves. Let's be honest. Pieretti, however, had other plans. If the God of dickery was not going to allow him to be a triathlete, then he would follow another pursuit. What pursuit would a one legged man attempt, you may ask? Although he probably had a few ridiculous options, Pieretti went with rollerblading across the state. Oh wait, that was a typo. He rollerbladed across the freaking country. Rollerblading just became a little less gay.

I stand corrected.

#3 - Bear Grylls: All Around Badass

Bear Grylls has been the point of some controversy. His TV show, "Man vs. Wild" has pulled in criticisms from viewers and journalists claiming that many of the episodes are fake, planned, or rigged.

Pictured above: Not real enough

Even though Grylls is the only person on this list who has all of his appendages, he has still earned his spot. In 1996, during a parachuting mission in Zambia (I mentioned he was a badass, right?) his parachute canopy tore open at about 4,800 feet. He landed on his parachute pack, on his back, and broke his back in three places. According to him, he could have opened his reserve chute and been fine, but he thought that he had enough time to resolve the situation without it, because, well, reserve chutes are for pussies. His doctor informed him that it was unlikely he would ever walk again, and Grylls responded with, "or I could go climb Mt. Fucking Everest". So what did he do? He climbed Mt. Fucking Everest, 18 months later. Apparently he had a sit down talk with his back, and common sense, and told them both that he would not be tolerating any of their bullshit. Not only was this a feat considering that he had broken his back 18 months before, but he was also the youngest Brit to do so, at 23 years old. What else has Grylls done after breaking his back? Oh, not much. He's only circumnavigated the entire UK on a jet-ski, crossed the North Atlantic in an inflatable boat, paramotored over Angel falls AND the Himalayas, and taken a team of five across the frozen, 2,500 mile Northwest passage in a rigid inflatable boat.

"and what the hell have YOU done lately?"

#4 - Glenn Malmskrog: Firefighter, Stuntman, Pyrotechnician, Everything Else that You Can't 

During a stuntman job for a Chinese Kung-Fu Western film (no I am not shitting you), Malmskrog was tripped by another actor and shattered his knee. His knee was healing initially, but the bones started to degrade, and he got an infection. His doctor decided that he was going to have to saw off his leg from the knee down. After the removal of his leg, Malmskrog did what any other human being would have done and he settled down with his wife and started writing fiction novels. Just kidding. He kept doing the same freaking stuff. Oh yea, and he also became a firefighter.

"Why? Because, why not?"

His first film after the fateful removal of his appendage was a job as a stuntman in the movie "Omega Code 2". When he was asked whether or not he would be able to run in the film, he was quoted as eloquently replying, "Sure". He has done many stunts since his injury, including high falls, crashing a motorcycle into a forklift, and being set on fire. However, he soon grew bored of the whole "risking his life for movies" business, and decided that he would follow the next logical step and become a firefighter. His choice to save the lives of others without all of his extremities has fallen under some skepticism. Malmskrog's response? "Try to keep up with me. I'm out here hiking and running these mountain roads, almost on a daily basis. I don't ask anybody to make concessions for me being an amputee. I do everything required of me or any other firefighter." In other words, "fuck you". Apart from being slightly abrasive, he has also given out words of encouragement for other amputees: "If you're 65 and have lost your leg to diabetes, don't curl up and say my life is over, play golf. Play with the grandkids."

Pussy.

10 of the Worst Album Covers of All Time

In the world of modern music, it is a simple truth that an album cover can truly make or break you. After all, what is the one thing you see before you decide to purchase a CD? The album cover. With that knowledge in hand, one would be led to believe that performing artists would put some time into their decisions for cover art. However, I am going to show you ten examples of artists whose thought process in regards to their cover art is yet to be understood. These artists vary from popular to obscure, but they all have one attribute in common: awful, awful album covers.


#1 - Ken: By Request Only

Never have I seen such an empty gaze

This album cover has actually received quite a bit of notoriety on the interweb as being one of the worst album-covers of all time. And honestly, it isn't really hard to see why. Rumor has it that if you stare into "Ken"s eyes for 30 seconds without blinking, then you can close your eyes and you will notice that Ken has come out of the closet with a blank look of murder in his eye.

So who is this "Ken"? Where does he come from, what kind of music did he play? These were all hotly debated questions amongst computer-glued hipsters until someone decided to go and find out. It turns out that Ken is a Bible Belt Christian musician; his full name is Ken Snyder. He actually has had a great sense of humor about the whole internet fiasco, and like any whole-hearted and generous Christian would, he sold every last copy of the album he had. On the eBay ad's, he even put "Worst Album Cover" in the selling title. And it would appear that they got sold pretty damn quickly, as you can't find a single one on eBay anymore. Well done, Ken. Well done.

#2 - Jim Post: I Love My Life

Do you really...?

What appears to be a snapshot of Ken Snyder taking the most depressing cold shower ever witnessed is actually the cover art for American folk singer Jim Post's album, I Love My Life. The only thing is, he looks fucking traumatized. His eyes appear to tell the tale of an event so horrifying that no words will do it justice, just his blank, empty, soul-scarring stare. The culprit? He hasn't come out and said who hurt him in such a manner.

You know what you did. 

#3 - Gary Dee Bradford: Sings for You and You and You

"Baby Ruuuuuuuth!"

At first glance, it would appear that whoever this Gary Dee Bradford has gone for the psychological tactic of picking the most herp-derp child he could find to put on the cover of his album, daring you to tell the kid that his moment of fame was for naught.

Tell him. Right now.

However, the truth is much, much more horrifying. The truth being? That's actually him. Gary Dee Bradford is pictured on the cover, in all of his misshapen glory. Don't believe me? Well then take a gander.

He's probably made better choices than buying the puppet...

#4 - The Beatles: Yesterday and Today

Now, I am sure that most of you are wondering why on earth The Beatles even made this list. For most baby boomers and hipsters, The Beatles can do no wrong. Besides, the cover art for that album wasn't even bad!

Not creative, but not bad either.

Well, this isn't what The Beatles intended to have as their album cover. The truth is, their original album cover got recalled from distributors. Now, why would they do something like that? What could The Beatles have possibly put on the original album cover that would cause it to get recalled?

Oh...oh Jesus.

Yes. The Beatles had apparently decided that the best choice for an album cover was them dressed up as butchers, surrounded by meat and fake baby parts. Kids, this is why you don't do LSD.

#5 - The Ministers Quartet: Let Me Touch Him

Please?

I don't even need to explain why this album is disturbing. I really don't. Granted, it isn't their fault that their album name grossly lends itself to a common minister stereotype, but...no. It's pretty much their fault.


#6 - Geraldine and Ricky: Trees Talk Too!

But we sort of wish they didn't

This album cover displays two of my greatest fears: puppets, and the mistress of horror that is holding this particular one. This lady must have been wondering "Hey, I wonder how I can make a ventriloquist puppet even creepier than it originally would be?"
The answer? A turtle neck and pink slacks. She also appears to have done herself a favor by giving the puppet a pale complexion that makes her look like less of a cold-hearted Ice Queen. An ill-fated ploy, if I do say so myself.

#7 - Prince: Lovesexy

A landmark achievement for the pencil moustache

There is honestly too many things going against this album cover. Maybe it's the huge flowers that represent an unfortunate attempt to display Prince's innocence, or maybe it's the fact that Prince decided that he would look best naked. It might also be that Prince is covering his chest as if he were hiding breasts. Quite honestly, it's making me wonder if he really is. The most disturbing part of this photo, however, is the fact that you can't stop looking at it. 

#8 - David Hasselhoff: Night Rocker

Kip looks slightly embarrassed 

David Hasselhoff, deciding that his not-really-hit TV show wasn't cheesy enough, decided that he would try his hand in music; and he took Kip along for the ride. Word isn't out quite yet on exactly what instrument Kip will be playing, but I'm going with keyboard.

#9 - Herbie Man: Push Push

Wow.

Herbie Man decided that he had a mission, a simple mission: prove once and for all that the flute does not have to be an instrument for females. His idea? Shoot an album cover that features his abnormally hairy figure, naked, holding the flute like he had just got done doing some unmentionable deeds with it. As a result, this album cover continues to be an inspiration for flute playing rapists everywhere.


#10 - Mike Crain: God's Power

"In the name of the Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit...HIYA!!!"

First off, I would like to apologize for putting this album cover on the list of "Worst Album Covers", as this clearly is a portrait of what may be the most badass preacher in all of existence. Sure, some preachers try to convey the love of their God through heart felt preaches and altar calls, but Mike Crain has made a judgment call: he will build his ministry on the fact that he can plow his palm through cinder blocks faster than you can decide that Jesus might just be an all-right guy.

However, if you think that Mike Crain is the one holy man with an iron fist, you would be wrong.