Saturday, September 11, 2010

Silly Americanized Christianity, Pickets are for Fences!

I recall a bright sunny day in Seattle (insert laugh if you have ever BEEN to Seattle), and my friend and I were walking away from the Emerlad City Comic Con. Free comic gear in hand, superhero studded t-shirts hugging our chest, and varying levels of disgusted looks being shot our way, Matt Funk and I were in our element. We happily discussed movies, comics, girls, and Gerard Butler's chiseled abs (yum!) as we calmy strided across the downtown streets of Seattle. Everything was going according to plan, we had visited the ECCC (where we witnessed a real life Trekkie vs. Star Wars fanatic fight ((it was magical)), and we were walking back to our hotel, where we would calmly crack open our comic books of choice whilst sipping some of Seattle's Best Coffee. DISCLAIMER: Matt Funk and I are friends. Just friends.

However, these lovely plans of ours were foiled by the neverending ignorance of mankind. As we rounded the corner, we witnessed two men and two women, one of them holding a megaphone screaming such loveable Hallmark worthy quotes such as, "Jesus hates your sins! Repent or burn in the eternal heelfires of God's wrath!", and "Your sins all have deadly consequences, followed through by a vengeance filled God!". The other man was holding a large sign that had little bits of wisdom pasted on it. These little bits of wisdom went as such, "Turn or Burn!" (classic), "Comply or Fry!" (quite fresh actually!). Our day had been foiled by a micro-organism I will label as Blasphemi Ignorami. It is a rare species that scatters itself across the country under the mis-conception that the best way to change someones mind is to tell them that there is a higher being that wants to throw them in a bottomless pit of fire and brimstone, because they don't agree with him.

I will be showing you a few classic images of these Blasphemi Ignorami  in action. Luckily for you, There will also be commentary by yours truly! Buckle the hell up (pun intended), because you are in for quite the experience.

Blashemi Ignorami #1

Take it from our John Travolta wannabe here: God will not tolerate fruits. Even if he has to suffer through scurvy. We should also thank our friend Travolta for the fun fact of the day:  Romans 9:13 reads, "And Jesus spoke to his disciples and said, my father hates fags". Quite abusive language coming from a deity who prides himself on loving the outcasts of society. I would also like to note the ironic color schematic displayed on this anti-gay sign. Nothing says, "My God hates your gay lifestyle!" like rainbows. Or maybe it is foreshadowing of a future flood, where God will wipe out the gay population of the Earth. Can anyone say "Cheap San Fransiscan real estate"?

This one is just for kicks

"We're eight and we're straight!" And holding hands...?
The most frightening part of this picture is the fact that they have figured out the key to any humans heart: a black toddler with what appears to be a fro in the making! How could you look at little Aydens smiling face and NOT live a life of blinding hatred towards the gay community?

Blasphemi Ignorami  #2

I don't think so...but at this point he is at least getting a little annoyed.
I must say, I did a double take at this picture. Maybe it's because the "God Hates America" sign is red, white and blue. Maybe it's because this girl is wearing a Kansas City Royals shirt, which she most likely bought from the disgustingly patriotic Old Navy. Or maybe it's because this girl is freaking SEVEN YEARS OLD. Based on what I assume to be her parents intelligence level, this girl:
1) Is homeschooled
2) Is lacking an education on how America even came to be
3) Is oblivious to the fact that her sign would probably be more effective if actually facing the road

Blasphemi Ignorami #3

Uh-oh! We've got ourselves a two-for-one blasphemy special! I'll address this one sign at a time.  We'll start with our Middle Eastern friend's pretty-much-predictable-but-not-normally-biblically-backed taste for anti-semeticism.
For the record, the Jews didn't TECHNICALLY kill Jesus. The Romans did, mostly out of fear that the jews would riot. I for one can't blame Pontious, who was probably at his wits end with Judaism's knack for week long holidays involving not much more than singing and dancing, and if he had to kill one Son of God to keep them quiet for a month, then that's his price to pay. Also, I hate to burst this lovely ladies bubble...but JESUS WAS JEWISH.
Now I shall address the blatantly broad condemnation sign. Apparently this particular individual has gotten so tired of trying to pick sinners our of the crowd that she has opted for the easier solution: just tell everyone that they're going to hell, it's hit and miss right? I also love the smile she has on her face as she tells innocent passerby that that they are going to suffer in the eternal hellfires of God's wrath. Service with a smile, as they say.

Well, that concludes your brief tour of idiocy at it's finest. Now, I know you are all starving for some more pictures of people making fools of themselves in public in the name of Jesus, so here are some more pictures, accompanied by brief captions.


This man has opted for the classic beard
defense in the midst of Jesus' Mighty schlong

Yet again, marijuana exerts its powers of peace

But God also hates mean/ugly people

Well SOMEBODY is getting coal in her stocking

He made it in Arts & Crafts