Sunday, September 4, 2011

6 Most Ridiculous Guinness World Records

I am going to start by stating that "ridiculous" can mean a multitude of things, and this article probably covers damn near all of them. The Guinness Book of World Records is normally home to a special breed of humans who have dedicated their lives to their hobby, or were born with an awful abnormality. However, there are those who manage to seep through the cracks, and make it into the prestigious club of Guinness World Records with around zero talent. These are the tales of such people.

1. Largest Gathering of Santa's Elves

I'll begin by saying that I would assume the largest gathering of elves to be at the north pole. Duh. However, the Guinness Book of World Records managed to find a group of people determined to absolutely ruin the lives of an entire city block during Christmas time.

"We bring you gifts of inconvenience!"
 People of all shapes and sizes appeared at the event on December 9th of 2009, dressed in their finest elvish garb.

$10 for the first person to point out who doesn't belong...

The record was set in New York, and every elf present participated in wholesome activities such as baking cookies, ice skating, wrapping presents, and holding fake strikes.

For logically working under the same conditions as Nike employees, they sport surprisingly peppy get-ups
They overtook the streets as Guinness World Record representatives carefully tallied the elves present at the event. The total number of elves, you might ask? 607. No but really, the entire city of New York apparently only had the capability of producing 600 people in cheap, Wal-Mart elf costumes. Are you kidding me? Whales was able to get nearly four-times that amount of people dressed as god-damned smurfs. Sadly, this record falls into a category characterized by not only a stupid idea, but an even worse follow through.

2. Longest Distance Dragged by Horse While on Fire

Let me start here by saying no, I am not fucking kidding you. I find myself wondering if this award came with the additional World Record for "Most Attention Hungry Man on Earth", but I have yet to find proper evidence of such. I digress. The man behind this death-wish of a record is Halapi Roland of Kisoroszi, Hungary. If I am the only one who found that this record made more sense when I found out that the guy was from Hungary, then I will attempt to beat his record. By the way, I'll say it again: I am nowhere close to kidding you right now. It's too bad no one even bothered to get photo or video evidence of the insane feat.

Oh wait. There is a picture, because there is a God.
All I can say is, congratulations Halapi. I hope your established record lives beyond your passing, which based on what appears to be in your list of hobbies should be in the next few years.

3. Most Straws Shoved Into Mouth

When we were kids, we all had childhood goals. Some kids wanted to be a firefighter, an astronaut, maybe even a Brazilian Massage-Therapist (I will NOT give up on my dreams, mom and dad). However, it seems that Germany's Simon Elmore grew up with different ambitions. Maybe it started with an ambitious encounter with a milkshake, or maybe he's just from Germany and really didn't have all that much to do. Either way, he holds the world record for the most straws shoved into one's mouth, managing to squeeze 400 straws between his lips.

He credits Uncle Gunther as his personal trainer

This sends the message that anyone, and I mean anyone, can obtain a Guinness World Record as long as they have
A. No friends
B. A shit-load of time
C. Any household object

4. Oldest Wingwalker

Around the time you turn 60, things start to change in permanent ways. Your back isn't what it used to be, not to mention your mind, and your kids have started to look into creative ways to try and cash in on your will and get you in a home. You start hitting on nurses, waitresses, and basically anyone with boobs and something resembling a personality. It's a sad life. That is, unless your name is Thomas Fucking Lackey (source needed for middle name). He holds the record for being the oldest wingwalker in the world. Also, just in case you were wondering what exactly "wingwalking" is...

"What's that? You kids think skateboarding is bad ass?"
Yes. That man standing on top of the airplane and giving death the finger is Thomas Lackey, and he is 90 years old. I don't know about you, but my biggest claim to fame when I'm 90 is going to be how many different plants I have growing above me. He has reportedly stated that his next goal is to cross the English Channel on a tamed Balrog (source needed).

5. Most Tattooed Senior-Citizen

I promise, you really have no clue where this is going. This record is maintained by 74 year old named Tom Leppard of the UK, who has 99.9% of his body covered in tattoos. On an important note, I have yet to find a source that states what that .01% portion of his skin is. I'll be accepting your best guesses in the comments below. Now, let's get to the important part. What kind of tattoos did Leppard go with? Possibly a creative, artistic tale of his life depicted through the ancient art of ink?

Where's a poacher when you need one?
Yes. Tom Leppard (get it?) decided that the ripe old age of 72 was the PERFECT time to cover his entire body in leopard print. I will give him credit, however, for the fact that he found a way to lose his shit in his old age by doing something other than making nude appearances at a playground. Although, depending on what that .01% of his skin is, it may or may not be an issue.

6. Largest Collection of Gnomes

There is one thing in this world that is creepier than your high-school gym teacher, and that is fucking gnomes. I have never, not once, seen a gnome that didn't have rape in it's eyes.

"There's no place like gnome, baby"

Having even a single gnome in your yard puts you on my list of likely rapists, due to the fact that at some point, you saw a garden gnome, looked into it's eyes, and decided that you needed to buy it. However, no one's gnomeo-sexuality (copyrighted) compares to that of Ann Atkins, of the UK. Over her life, she has collected a grand total of 2,042 gnomes. I wish I could say that was a typo, but it wasn't.

As you can see, the hauntingly blank stares are contagious.
Atkins lives with her gnomes on her four-acre piece of land in West Putford, Devon, UK. As far as I'm concerned, I have no problem with her if she, and her gnomes, stay in West Putford.