Wednesday, June 8, 2011

4 Incredibly Badass Senior Citizens

When you hear the term "badass", you typically don't think of the liver spotted senior citizen who always tells you to back the hell off of his lawn. Normally, you assume that the poorly aged individual is all bark and no bite. However, there is an exception to every rule. The four old codgers on this list are all presented with situations that would make many a 20 year old piss themselves, and they laugh in the face of danger. These are the type of individuals that would kick your young, commie ass before you got them into a retirement home.

"Retirement home? Go to hell! But could you take me to a vet? Because these pythons are SICK!"
#4 - Old Man Needs No Doctor

Loyd Church, an 81 year old North Carolina resident was busy doing what men his age do: gardening his cucumbers. If you are about to pass judgment for his gardening hobby, keep on reading.

Midway through his daily task of tending to his garden, Church noticed some rattling. According to his own words, "I was picking cucumbers, and he was hiding up under them vines". "He" being a rather large Copperhead snake. The snake lashed out and bit Church between his thumb and index finger. Rather than panic, or simply keel over, Church maintained a calm composure and decided what he needed to do. Go to a doctor? Hell no, Church states that he avoids going to the doctor at all costs.

Venom, schmenom.
Picking up a trick that he had observed his dad doing years ago, Church went inside and grabbed a knife, knowing that he had little time. He cut his skin between the puncture wounds, and proceeded to suck the venom out of his hand. With his wound taken care of, he could have at least called a doctor to check up on it, right? Nope. Church had unfinished business to attend to. He walked up to the snake, which had made the foolish mistake of not getting the hell out of Church's wake, and stomped on it's head with his steel toed boots. Why? Because fuck that snake, that's why. Okay, so NOW he can go to a doctor? Not a chance, Church just continued gardening as if nothing had happened, and reveled in his own glory as a bad ass.

#3 - Don't Fuck With an Old Man's Dog
The following is another example of a reptile making the poor, poor choice of screwing with the elderly. Gary Murphy, 72, was in his Palm City, FL home when he heard his beloved terrier, "Doogie", whimpering in the back yard. Murphy, wearing nothing but his loafers, waltzed into his back yard to find that his precious Doogie was firmly clamped in the jaws of a 6 foot alligator. Granted, 6 feet isn't too long for a gator, but this man was 72 freaking years old, and an alligator is still a god-damned alligator, no matter what size.

"Why don't you just answer the door, pussy? It's only six feet or so!"
Murphy knew that he was running out of time, and quick. In all honesty, I would have left the damn dog, because I wouldn't be able to find a new arm at the humane society. Murphy, however, had witnessed just enough of this alligator's bullshit, and proceeded to jump on the gators back and beat the shit out of it with his loafers. You can say that a 72 year old man armed with his loafers probably isn't enough to fend off a gator, but this particular gator was done being on the receiving end of Murphy's elderly fury and got the hell out of there, sans dog. Murphy took Doogie to the vet, where the dog made a full recovery. Murphy, however, needed to schedule a doctors appointment to examine the new found impenetrable steel in his loins.

#2 - 100 Years Old and Still Kicking

Buster Martin is 100 years old. 100 god damned years old. The fact that he is able to walk is a miracle, but he showed a gang of teenage muggers that he could do much more than walk. After a night at the pub in Denmark Hill, London, Martin called it a night and started to head home. Once outside, the group of teens approached Martin and pushed him against a wall, demanding his money. Martin probably followed this request with a rude gesture, and they shoved him to the ground, at which point Martin states he "went mad". Martin, to the surprise of his attackers, just so happens to be a WWI and WWII veteran, and a self-proclaimed practitioner of kung-fu. What happened next probably left the three teenagers scarred for life.

My guess is that it went something like this
Martin stood up, and started to unleash his fury. He pushed one attacker against a wall, and then delivered a well placed "kung fu" kick right into one of the assailant's groin, at which point Martin says the teen "let out a scream". Realizing that they had made an awful, awful mistake, the attackers ran away and Martin kept his money. Would you like to see the face of the 100 year old man who managed to fight off 3 South London muggers?

Here he is running a marathon, with a god damn cigarette in his hand

Getting his drink on...

Flirting at his 102nd birthday party. "No I swear, it still gets about THIS long!"
How on earth does this crazy son-of-a-bitch stay alive? He clearly smokes, drinks, and is still beating up muggers and running marathons like it was no big deal. His key? He says that it is due to "the odd daily pint, a walk to the library and press-ups". Drinking and working out. Well, all right then.

#1 - The Geezer Who Cried Bear

James Wayndale and his father, Tom Wayndale, were out taking a hike near Edmonton, Canada. James, an avid sculpture maker, was looking for antlers to work on his current project. His father, who was 72 years old, is an avid wildlife expert and game expert. On the way back to their truck, they noticed a bear cub, and knew that shit was about to go downhill.

Pictured: Shit going downhill
The bear cubs mother came hurtling out of the trees and latched onto James' arm. Tom, not keen on seeing his son mauled by an ursine beast, started charging towards the bear, cursing the entire way. The bear instantly switched it's attention to Tom, and latched onto his hand. James came to his fathers aide and started beating the bear with a stick. The bear, now caught up in a violent variation of "monkey in the middle", went right back to James, grabbing his arm in it's deadly jaws. Tom was done playing games. He grabbed his walking stick, and charged the bear for the last time. When the bear turned and started to come back at him, Tom went sparta on the bears ass and rammed the walking stick down it's throat.

Tom Wayndale is 72 years old, and he slayed a freaking grizzly bear by shoving his walking stick down it's enraged esophagus. I am led to assume that from that day forward, Tom was both respected and feared by bears across the world, assuming the position of a demigod.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

5 Unfortunate Robbers (Who Have the Worst Luck)

Let me start by saying that thieves are not individuals who typically get my sympathy. They are lowlifes who try to get ahead by taking what isn't theirs, and that isn't right. These next five individuals, however, got themselves into situations that do merit some of my sympathy, because even robbers don't deserve some of the karma-delivered-whoop-ass that these gentleman got. Without further ado, here are the five most unfortunate robbers of all time.

#5 - Jewelry Robber Fail

The scene was perfect for any robber: a small time jewelry store that was owned by an elderly couple. It is literally the 50 year advancement of stealing candy from a baby. So when three Honduran thieves decided to clean out the small Houston Jewelry store, they could never have predicted how the story would end.

Pictured above: A hint
Everything was going according to plan as the robbers tied up one of the two store owners, Eva Castillo, to a chair. With her secured, they moved on to her husband, Ramon Castillo.

Read that name a few more times, and ask yourself if this is the type of guy who would watch three thieves tie up him and his wife and make way with his jewels. Answer: he fucking isn't. While the robbers began to tie up Castillo, he reached behind his back and pulled out a little surprise from his waistband. The surprise? A six-shooter pistol (the article doesn't specify what type of pistol it actually was, so I took some old-time Western liberties). He then proceeded to shoot the hell out of one robber until he died. Surprisingly undeterred, the two other robbers decided to pull out their guns and have a little shoot out. Castillo decided that this just wouldn't do, so he went back to his office and emerged with a shotgun.

"Get the hell out of my jewelry shop."
When the shootout was over, the three robbers were dead, and Ramon Castillo stood alive and well. Oh wait, just kidding, they actually shot Castillo three times. This is oddly three more bullets than the amount of shits Castillo gave about being shot. In fact, he didn't even realize he had been shot at first. With the three robbers dead, Castillo initially walked outside of the store to see if there were any more Honduran's who wanted some good ol' fashioned lead poisoning. Castillo remained in surgery for a few days after the shoot out, and then proceeded to haul him and his enormous balls back to the jewelry store, fantasizing about the next time a few dumb asses would allow him to relieve his blood lust.

I couldn't find a picture of Castillo, so here's The Undertaker
 #4 - Subway Surprise

Donicio Arrendell and Frederick Gadson were looking for some money, and a thrill to go along with. Their remedy for such a need? Robbing a Subway. Although that would not be my first choice of venue to rob, they were bound and determined to get what they wanted, and entered the store in Plantation, Florida with masks on and guns drawn (this catchphrase is copyrighted. By me). They quickly convinced the cashier that his bosses money was not worth dying over, and they probably stopped to think "huh. That was easy". They then decided to do something even easier by turning to 71 year old John Lovell, who was enjoying his sandwich, and asked for his wallet. Lovell, who had apparently just acquired some steel balls to go with his steel hip, politely told them "No".

"Got to hell, hippie!"
The robbers quickly informed Lovell that their question did not fall into the "yes or no" response category, and began to force him into the ladies room. Why the ladies room? It's Florida, don't ask questions. However, they were unaware of one minor detail about Lovell, this being that he was a retired "Marine One" helicopter pilot. Lovell, clearly done with the game of "cops and robbers", whipped out a .45 caliber pistol and shot one of the robbers square in the face, and then in the chest for good measure. His counterpart being very, very dead, Gadson decided it was his time to dip out. But Lovell was having none of that, and left Gadson with a souvenir: a bullet in his chest.

Lovell faced absolutely zero consequences for wasting the two robbers because he was also carrying his concealed weapons permit. Lovell went on to become the most bad ass senior citizen living in Florida.

#3 - Beauty School Drop Kick

The Blalock Beauty college in Shreveport, Louisiana got quite the surprise when 24 year old Jared Gipson barged in and announced that he was conducting a robbery. Gipson, however, was about to learn that of any demographic you do not want to threaten in large numbers, black women rank pretty high.

He made everybody lie down, and then more or less threatened to start killing some of the students, threatening one woman with his gun and saying that she would be the "first to go". He collected everybody's money, and started pushing the college's one male employee to the back of the room. All of a sudden, he decided he didn't really need to start killing anyone (good call), and made a break for the front door. This is where things took the turn for the worse.

"Aw HELL no."
That is when the manager of the beauty college, Dianne Mitchell, stuck out her leg and tripped the gunman. The aforementioned male student jumped on his back, and then all hell broke loose. The female students grabbed anything at their disposal, which included curling irons, chairs, and a table leg, and proceeded to beat the everloving shit out of Gipson. After a few minutes, Gipson was reportedly crying in pain, bleeding, and had literally shit himself. He tried to crawl away, but the women held onto his legs and beat him until the authorities arrived. He was admitted to the hospital having sustained multiple lacerations, and was then charged with armed robbery.

I am very close to sending him a get well letter, because nobody deserves to single handedly take on the brunt force of 15-20 furious black women. Get well soon, Jared.

Oddly enough, this is not the last event on this list that has to do with an angry hairdresser. The next one is just a little more horrifying.

#2 - Lesser of Two Evils

Let's start off by saying that this all takes place in Russia. It should make the shock and horror come down a notch with the lack of surprise.

Shit gets crazy up there
According to police, a 32 year old man walked in a Hair Salon and took out a gun, demanding the money of the employees and customers. Unfortunately for Gustav (I'm naming him Gustav), the owner of the salon had a heavy amount of martial arts training, and was having just about none of that bullshit. Using her previous experience in the area of ass-kicking, she successfully disarmed the robber and the day was saved! Just kidding.


She did disarm the robber, but what she proceeded to do after that is, well, scary as shit. She used a hairdryer cord to tie the man to a radiator, and for the next 48 hours, she forced him to take viagra, and then would rape him at her hearts desire. After two days of sex-slave hell, she released the man. After seeking medical attention for damage to his genitals, the man went to the police department and reported the woman for taking him prisoner and sexually molesting him. The woman then proceeded to report him for armed robbery.

The police were understandably confused, and made the decision to put both of them behind bars. Which is unfair, because I would say that serving 48 hours as the sex-prisoner of a crazy-as-shit Russian woman is MORE than punishment enough.


#1 - Ass Karma


Oh boy. Oooooooh boy. Here we go.

A man in London decided that he felt like robbing a museum, which if he had seen any movies in his lifetime, should have instantly sprung up as a very, very bad choice.

Hope you're flexible
Anyways, the man hardly stepped foot into the museum before an alarm that his dumb ass sprung scared him off. He leaped out a window, choosing a nearby tree as his escape route. Below him sat the metal fence of karma. What proceeded to happen is truly beyond words. He slipped from the tree, fell a story or so, and then...well...well just see for yourself.


I SO warned you.
Yes, that is a real fucking picture of the aforementioned museum robber getting sodomized by the cold, metallic schlong of karma. When the mans rectum met the point of the fence, he screamed so loudly that a man driving by heard and instantly called the police. The fire department rushed to the rescue, and attempted to free the man from his pointed nightmare. Here is a picture of the fire department trying to free him from his pointed nightmare.

"PLEASE don't tell my mom..."
I don't care if this man was attempting to steal the god damned ark of the covenant, nobody deserves to have 30 cm of publicly funded fencing shoved up their ass. The man suffered severe damage to his rectum, intestines, and his pride.

Just one more picture to remind you of why stealing is bad.

Pictured above: the number one reason to NEVER steal