#5 - Jewelry Robber Fail
The scene was perfect for any robber: a small time jewelry store that was owned by an elderly couple. It is literally the 50 year advancement of stealing candy from a baby. So when three Honduran thieves decided to clean out the small Houston Jewelry store, they could never have predicted how the story would end.
|Pictured above: A hint|
Read that name a few more times, and ask yourself if this is the type of guy who would watch three thieves tie up him and his wife and make way with his jewels. Answer: he fucking isn't. While the robbers began to tie up Castillo, he reached behind his back and pulled out a little surprise from his waistband. The surprise? A six-shooter pistol (the article doesn't specify what type of pistol it actually was, so I took some old-time Western liberties). He then proceeded to shoot the hell out of one robber until he died. Surprisingly undeterred, the two other robbers decided to pull out their guns and have a little shoot out. Castillo decided that this just wouldn't do, so he went back to his office and emerged with a shotgun.
|"Get the hell out of my jewelry shop."|
|I couldn't find a picture of Castillo, so here's The Undertaker|
Donicio Arrendell and Frederick Gadson were looking for some money, and a thrill to go along with. Their remedy for such a need? Robbing a Subway. Although that would not be my first choice of venue to rob, they were bound and determined to get what they wanted, and entered the store in Plantation, Florida with masks on and guns drawn (this catchphrase is copyrighted. By me). They quickly convinced the cashier that his bosses money was not worth dying over, and they probably stopped to think "huh. That was easy". They then decided to do something even easier by turning to 71 year old John Lovell, who was enjoying his sandwich, and asked for his wallet. Lovell, who had apparently just acquired some steel balls to go with his steel hip, politely told them "No".
|"Got to hell, hippie!"|
Lovell faced absolutely zero consequences for wasting the two robbers because he was also carrying his concealed weapons permit. Lovell went on to become the most bad ass senior citizen living in Florida.
#3 - Beauty School Drop Kick
The Blalock Beauty college in Shreveport, Louisiana got quite the surprise when 24 year old Jared Gipson barged in and announced that he was conducting a robbery. Gipson, however, was about to learn that of any demographic you do not want to threaten in large numbers, black women rank pretty high.
He made everybody lie down, and then more or less threatened to start killing some of the students, threatening one woman with his gun and saying that she would be the "first to go". He collected everybody's money, and started pushing the college's one male employee to the back of the room. All of a sudden, he decided he didn't really need to start killing anyone (good call), and made a break for the front door. This is where things took the turn for the worse.
|"Aw HELL no."|
I am very close to sending him a get well letter, because nobody deserves to single handedly take on the brunt force of 15-20 furious black women. Get well soon, Jared.
Oddly enough, this is not the last event on this list that has to do with an angry hairdresser. The next one is just a little more horrifying.
#2 - Lesser of Two Evils
Let's start off by saying that this all takes place in Russia. It should make the shock and horror come down a notch with the lack of surprise.
|Shit gets crazy up there|
WARNING: THIS IS WHERE SHIT GETS WEIRD/HORRIFYING
She did disarm the robber, but what she proceeded to do after that is, well, scary as shit. She used a hairdryer cord to tie the man to a radiator, and for the next 48 hours, she forced him to take viagra, and then would rape him at her hearts desire. After two days of sex-slave hell, she released the man. After seeking medical attention for damage to his genitals, the man went to the police department and reported the woman for taking him prisoner and sexually molesting him. The woman then proceeded to report him for armed robbery.
IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH, OR CANNOT HANDLE SEEING BLOOD, TURN AWAY NOW.
#1 - Ass Karma
I AM NOT KIDDING. JUST STOP READING.
Oh boy. Oooooooh boy. Here we go.
A man in London decided that he felt like robbing a museum, which if he had seen any movies in his lifetime, should have instantly sprung up as a very, very bad choice.
|Hope you're flexible|
I AM NOT KIDDING. IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH, GET THE HELL OUT.
|I SO warned you.|
|"PLEASE don't tell my mom..."|
Just one more picture to remind you of why stealing is bad.
|Pictured above: the number one reason to NEVER steal|