Tuesday, June 7, 2011

5 Unfortunate Robbers (Who Have the Worst Luck)

Let me start by saying that thieves are not individuals who typically get my sympathy. They are lowlifes who try to get ahead by taking what isn't theirs, and that isn't right. These next five individuals, however, got themselves into situations that do merit some of my sympathy, because even robbers don't deserve some of the karma-delivered-whoop-ass that these gentleman got. Without further ado, here are the five most unfortunate robbers of all time.

#5 - Jewelry Robber Fail

The scene was perfect for any robber: a small time jewelry store that was owned by an elderly couple. It is literally the 50 year advancement of stealing candy from a baby. So when three Honduran thieves decided to clean out the small Houston Jewelry store, they could never have predicted how the story would end.

Pictured above: A hint
Everything was going according to plan as the robbers tied up one of the two store owners, Eva Castillo, to a chair. With her secured, they moved on to her husband, Ramon Castillo.

Read that name a few more times, and ask yourself if this is the type of guy who would watch three thieves tie up him and his wife and make way with his jewels. Answer: he fucking isn't. While the robbers began to tie up Castillo, he reached behind his back and pulled out a little surprise from his waistband. The surprise? A six-shooter pistol (the article doesn't specify what type of pistol it actually was, so I took some old-time Western liberties). He then proceeded to shoot the hell out of one robber until he died. Surprisingly undeterred, the two other robbers decided to pull out their guns and have a little shoot out. Castillo decided that this just wouldn't do, so he went back to his office and emerged with a shotgun.

"Get the hell out of my jewelry shop."
When the shootout was over, the three robbers were dead, and Ramon Castillo stood alive and well. Oh wait, just kidding, they actually shot Castillo three times. This is oddly three more bullets than the amount of shits Castillo gave about being shot. In fact, he didn't even realize he had been shot at first. With the three robbers dead, Castillo initially walked outside of the store to see if there were any more Honduran's who wanted some good ol' fashioned lead poisoning. Castillo remained in surgery for a few days after the shoot out, and then proceeded to haul him and his enormous balls back to the jewelry store, fantasizing about the next time a few dumb asses would allow him to relieve his blood lust.

I couldn't find a picture of Castillo, so here's The Undertaker
 #4 - Subway Surprise

Donicio Arrendell and Frederick Gadson were looking for some money, and a thrill to go along with. Their remedy for such a need? Robbing a Subway. Although that would not be my first choice of venue to rob, they were bound and determined to get what they wanted, and entered the store in Plantation, Florida with masks on and guns drawn (this catchphrase is copyrighted. By me). They quickly convinced the cashier that his bosses money was not worth dying over, and they probably stopped to think "huh. That was easy". They then decided to do something even easier by turning to 71 year old John Lovell, who was enjoying his sandwich, and asked for his wallet. Lovell, who had apparently just acquired some steel balls to go with his steel hip, politely told them "No".

"Got to hell, hippie!"
The robbers quickly informed Lovell that their question did not fall into the "yes or no" response category, and began to force him into the ladies room. Why the ladies room? It's Florida, don't ask questions. However, they were unaware of one minor detail about Lovell, this being that he was a retired "Marine One" helicopter pilot. Lovell, clearly done with the game of "cops and robbers", whipped out a .45 caliber pistol and shot one of the robbers square in the face, and then in the chest for good measure. His counterpart being very, very dead, Gadson decided it was his time to dip out. But Lovell was having none of that, and left Gadson with a souvenir: a bullet in his chest.

Lovell faced absolutely zero consequences for wasting the two robbers because he was also carrying his concealed weapons permit. Lovell went on to become the most bad ass senior citizen living in Florida.

#3 - Beauty School Drop Kick

The Blalock Beauty college in Shreveport, Louisiana got quite the surprise when 24 year old Jared Gipson barged in and announced that he was conducting a robbery. Gipson, however, was about to learn that of any demographic you do not want to threaten in large numbers, black women rank pretty high.

He made everybody lie down, and then more or less threatened to start killing some of the students, threatening one woman with his gun and saying that she would be the "first to go". He collected everybody's money, and started pushing the college's one male employee to the back of the room. All of a sudden, he decided he didn't really need to start killing anyone (good call), and made a break for the front door. This is where things took the turn for the worse.

"Aw HELL no."
That is when the manager of the beauty college, Dianne Mitchell, stuck out her leg and tripped the gunman. The aforementioned male student jumped on his back, and then all hell broke loose. The female students grabbed anything at their disposal, which included curling irons, chairs, and a table leg, and proceeded to beat the everloving shit out of Gipson. After a few minutes, Gipson was reportedly crying in pain, bleeding, and had literally shit himself. He tried to crawl away, but the women held onto his legs and beat him until the authorities arrived. He was admitted to the hospital having sustained multiple lacerations, and was then charged with armed robbery.

I am very close to sending him a get well letter, because nobody deserves to single handedly take on the brunt force of 15-20 furious black women. Get well soon, Jared.

Oddly enough, this is not the last event on this list that has to do with an angry hairdresser. The next one is just a little more horrifying.

#2 - Lesser of Two Evils

Let's start off by saying that this all takes place in Russia. It should make the shock and horror come down a notch with the lack of surprise.

Shit gets crazy up there
According to police, a 32 year old man walked in a Hair Salon and took out a gun, demanding the money of the employees and customers. Unfortunately for Gustav (I'm naming him Gustav), the owner of the salon had a heavy amount of martial arts training, and was having just about none of that bullshit. Using her previous experience in the area of ass-kicking, she successfully disarmed the robber and the day was saved! Just kidding.


She did disarm the robber, but what she proceeded to do after that is, well, scary as shit. She used a hairdryer cord to tie the man to a radiator, and for the next 48 hours, she forced him to take viagra, and then would rape him at her hearts desire. After two days of sex-slave hell, she released the man. After seeking medical attention for damage to his genitals, the man went to the police department and reported the woman for taking him prisoner and sexually molesting him. The woman then proceeded to report him for armed robbery.

The police were understandably confused, and made the decision to put both of them behind bars. Which is unfair, because I would say that serving 48 hours as the sex-prisoner of a crazy-as-shit Russian woman is MORE than punishment enough.


#1 - Ass Karma


Oh boy. Oooooooh boy. Here we go.

A man in London decided that he felt like robbing a museum, which if he had seen any movies in his lifetime, should have instantly sprung up as a very, very bad choice.

Hope you're flexible
Anyways, the man hardly stepped foot into the museum before an alarm that his dumb ass sprung scared him off. He leaped out a window, choosing a nearby tree as his escape route. Below him sat the metal fence of karma. What proceeded to happen is truly beyond words. He slipped from the tree, fell a story or so, and then...well...well just see for yourself.


I SO warned you.
Yes, that is a real fucking picture of the aforementioned museum robber getting sodomized by the cold, metallic schlong of karma. When the mans rectum met the point of the fence, he screamed so loudly that a man driving by heard and instantly called the police. The fire department rushed to the rescue, and attempted to free the man from his pointed nightmare. Here is a picture of the fire department trying to free him from his pointed nightmare.

"PLEASE don't tell my mom..."
I don't care if this man was attempting to steal the god damned ark of the covenant, nobody deserves to have 30 cm of publicly funded fencing shoved up their ass. The man suffered severe damage to his rectum, intestines, and his pride.

Just one more picture to remind you of why stealing is bad.

Pictured above: the number one reason to NEVER steal

1 comment:

  1. I find it humorous that a thief named Jared is in the story following your Subway Robbery story...it would have been awesome if the thief at the Subway was actually named Jared!!