Wednesday, June 8, 2011

4 Incredibly Badass Senior Citizens

When you hear the term "badass", you typically don't think of the liver spotted senior citizen who always tells you to back the hell off of his lawn. Normally, you assume that the poorly aged individual is all bark and no bite. However, there is an exception to every rule. The four old codgers on this list are all presented with situations that would make many a 20 year old piss themselves, and they laugh in the face of danger. These are the type of individuals that would kick your young, commie ass before you got them into a retirement home.

"Retirement home? Go to hell! But could you take me to a vet? Because these pythons are SICK!"
#4 - Old Man Needs No Doctor

Loyd Church, an 81 year old North Carolina resident was busy doing what men his age do: gardening his cucumbers. If you are about to pass judgment for his gardening hobby, keep on reading.

Midway through his daily task of tending to his garden, Church noticed some rattling. According to his own words, "I was picking cucumbers, and he was hiding up under them vines". "He" being a rather large Copperhead snake. The snake lashed out and bit Church between his thumb and index finger. Rather than panic, or simply keel over, Church maintained a calm composure and decided what he needed to do. Go to a doctor? Hell no, Church states that he avoids going to the doctor at all costs.

Venom, schmenom.
Picking up a trick that he had observed his dad doing years ago, Church went inside and grabbed a knife, knowing that he had little time. He cut his skin between the puncture wounds, and proceeded to suck the venom out of his hand. With his wound taken care of, he could have at least called a doctor to check up on it, right? Nope. Church had unfinished business to attend to. He walked up to the snake, which had made the foolish mistake of not getting the hell out of Church's wake, and stomped on it's head with his steel toed boots. Why? Because fuck that snake, that's why. Okay, so NOW he can go to a doctor? Not a chance, Church just continued gardening as if nothing had happened, and reveled in his own glory as a bad ass.

#3 - Don't Fuck With an Old Man's Dog
The following is another example of a reptile making the poor, poor choice of screwing with the elderly. Gary Murphy, 72, was in his Palm City, FL home when he heard his beloved terrier, "Doogie", whimpering in the back yard. Murphy, wearing nothing but his loafers, waltzed into his back yard to find that his precious Doogie was firmly clamped in the jaws of a 6 foot alligator. Granted, 6 feet isn't too long for a gator, but this man was 72 freaking years old, and an alligator is still a god-damned alligator, no matter what size.

"Why don't you just answer the door, pussy? It's only six feet or so!"
Murphy knew that he was running out of time, and quick. In all honesty, I would have left the damn dog, because I wouldn't be able to find a new arm at the humane society. Murphy, however, had witnessed just enough of this alligator's bullshit, and proceeded to jump on the gators back and beat the shit out of it with his loafers. You can say that a 72 year old man armed with his loafers probably isn't enough to fend off a gator, but this particular gator was done being on the receiving end of Murphy's elderly fury and got the hell out of there, sans dog. Murphy took Doogie to the vet, where the dog made a full recovery. Murphy, however, needed to schedule a doctors appointment to examine the new found impenetrable steel in his loins.

#2 - 100 Years Old and Still Kicking

Buster Martin is 100 years old. 100 god damned years old. The fact that he is able to walk is a miracle, but he showed a gang of teenage muggers that he could do much more than walk. After a night at the pub in Denmark Hill, London, Martin called it a night and started to head home. Once outside, the group of teens approached Martin and pushed him against a wall, demanding his money. Martin probably followed this request with a rude gesture, and they shoved him to the ground, at which point Martin states he "went mad". Martin, to the surprise of his attackers, just so happens to be a WWI and WWII veteran, and a self-proclaimed practitioner of kung-fu. What happened next probably left the three teenagers scarred for life.

My guess is that it went something like this
Martin stood up, and started to unleash his fury. He pushed one attacker against a wall, and then delivered a well placed "kung fu" kick right into one of the assailant's groin, at which point Martin says the teen "let out a scream". Realizing that they had made an awful, awful mistake, the attackers ran away and Martin kept his money. Would you like to see the face of the 100 year old man who managed to fight off 3 South London muggers?

Here he is running a marathon, with a god damn cigarette in his hand

Getting his drink on...

Flirting at his 102nd birthday party. "No I swear, it still gets about THIS long!"
How on earth does this crazy son-of-a-bitch stay alive? He clearly smokes, drinks, and is still beating up muggers and running marathons like it was no big deal. His key? He says that it is due to "the odd daily pint, a walk to the library and press-ups". Drinking and working out. Well, all right then.

#1 - The Geezer Who Cried Bear

James Wayndale and his father, Tom Wayndale, were out taking a hike near Edmonton, Canada. James, an avid sculpture maker, was looking for antlers to work on his current project. His father, who was 72 years old, is an avid wildlife expert and game expert. On the way back to their truck, they noticed a bear cub, and knew that shit was about to go downhill.

Pictured: Shit going downhill
The bear cubs mother came hurtling out of the trees and latched onto James' arm. Tom, not keen on seeing his son mauled by an ursine beast, started charging towards the bear, cursing the entire way. The bear instantly switched it's attention to Tom, and latched onto his hand. James came to his fathers aide and started beating the bear with a stick. The bear, now caught up in a violent variation of "monkey in the middle", went right back to James, grabbing his arm in it's deadly jaws. Tom was done playing games. He grabbed his walking stick, and charged the bear for the last time. When the bear turned and started to come back at him, Tom went sparta on the bears ass and rammed the walking stick down it's throat.

Tom Wayndale is 72 years old, and he slayed a freaking grizzly bear by shoving his walking stick down it's enraged esophagus. I am led to assume that from that day forward, Tom was both respected and feared by bears across the world, assuming the position of a demigod.

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