Thursday, November 4, 2010


"Hey man. How's it been?"
"It's been fine. Now, enough of this bullshit, just show me what I came for."
The two boys stood between some thick underbrush at the edge of the park, gazing left and right with a look of suspicion crowding their face.
"You don't need to get short with me, dude. You know I brought it, I bring it every time."
"Yea, well with the fucking cops acting like they have lately, you can't really blame me for being suspicious."
They exchanged nervous chuckles as the boy with the black beanie removed a small plastic bag from his back pocket.
"Don't tell me you've been sitting on that shit all day, Mark."
"Hey man, do you want to get on my case some more or just give me the money so we can both leave. People are starting to notice."
"Whatever, man."
The boy placed a crinkled twenty dollar bill in the other's hand and took the bag in a practiced, fluid motion.
"Listen Cole, I don't think I can do this anymore."
"Can't do what? Are you fucking kidding me right now? You can't just bail on me after this long."
"Back the hell off, okay? I've been under a lot of pressure lately, what with classes---"
"Classes? You joking around, man? You and I both know that you aren't going to do shit after highschool, why are you even trying?"
The conversation got heated as the two boys argued, both voices growing louder with every sentence.
"Don't tell me how I'm going to live my life, okay? I don't need to get fucking input from a kid that just bought a dub off of me."
"You really think you can just stop? How do you think Jason is going to feel when he finds out one of his top distributors wants to 'finish highschool'?" He finished the remark with a heavy tone of patronization.
"You now what man? Fuck you. Fuck you, your drugs, and everything you have been telling me I should do for the past few years. I don't even think you realize---"
"Step out of the bushes, now! This is the police."
Before they even finished their commands, Cole shoved his ex-counterpart towards the police while sprinting in the other direction. At the sight of a 6'3" teen springing out of the bushes towards them, the officials instinctively utilized the tasers that were already drawn. With a quick buzz and a moan, Alex dropped to the ground, his body in an arc with over 30,000 volts of paralyzing electricity coarcing through his body.
"Are you sure he came after us, Tom?"
"With these bastards, I don't feel safe thinking twice."
As Mark laid still, sprawled out on the grass of the park, the cops frisked him for identification. As the standby officer pulled out the boys drivers license, he calmly walked back to the squad car to pull up Mark's info. Tom stood by the body of a 17 year old boy huddled on the grass. After taking his time checking his police scanner and telling passerby to move along, he finally knelt down and removed the barbs from Mark's back. He stood him up, handcuffed him, and started walking him to the patrol car, his hands firmly pushing on the boys back.
"Mmmhmmff...nowhere to...uuuhhhnnn."
"What the hell you trying to say, boy."
"Can't go...nowhere to...mmmhhnnnn."
"Kid must be out of his mind right now." The cop chuckled.
After seating Mark in the cruiser, Officer Tom walked back to the bushes and found Mark's backpack.
"Must have over an ounce in here, this kid was no lightweight distributor." Tom shouted to his fellow police officer.
"Tom, this kid---"
"Oh man, his parents won't be happy, will they? Probably weren't happy with him in the first place, doubt he was exactly excelling in academics. Huh, Hank?" Tom laughed.
"Tom, shut the hell up." Hank's eyes were trodden with some sort of grief.
"What in the hell has gotten into you today? Nevermind. We gonna call this punk's parents and let them know, or what?"
"Tom, that 'punk' has no listed legal guardians. He's a ward of the state."
"Aw shit..."
They both turned over to where Mark had previously been laying, and Hank noticed an un-opened, white business envelope. He walked over, picked it up, and slowly brought it back to Tom.
"Well, what do we have here?"
"Tom, you can't open that."
"Hank, just shut up for once and quit worrying, would you?"
Tom whipped out a pocket knive and started opening the letter. With the letter opened, he began to read:
"Dear Mark Klatsen, we are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to Northern Arizona University."

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Silly Americanized Christianity, Pickets are for Fences!

I recall a bright sunny day in Seattle (insert laugh if you have ever BEEN to Seattle), and my friend and I were walking away from the Emerlad City Comic Con. Free comic gear in hand, superhero studded t-shirts hugging our chest, and varying levels of disgusted looks being shot our way, Matt Funk and I were in our element. We happily discussed movies, comics, girls, and Gerard Butler's chiseled abs (yum!) as we calmy strided across the downtown streets of Seattle. Everything was going according to plan, we had visited the ECCC (where we witnessed a real life Trekkie vs. Star Wars fanatic fight ((it was magical)), and we were walking back to our hotel, where we would calmly crack open our comic books of choice whilst sipping some of Seattle's Best Coffee. DISCLAIMER: Matt Funk and I are friends. Just friends.

However, these lovely plans of ours were foiled by the neverending ignorance of mankind. As we rounded the corner, we witnessed two men and two women, one of them holding a megaphone screaming such loveable Hallmark worthy quotes such as, "Jesus hates your sins! Repent or burn in the eternal heelfires of God's wrath!", and "Your sins all have deadly consequences, followed through by a vengeance filled God!". The other man was holding a large sign that had little bits of wisdom pasted on it. These little bits of wisdom went as such, "Turn or Burn!" (classic), "Comply or Fry!" (quite fresh actually!). Our day had been foiled by a micro-organism I will label as Blasphemi Ignorami. It is a rare species that scatters itself across the country under the mis-conception that the best way to change someones mind is to tell them that there is a higher being that wants to throw them in a bottomless pit of fire and brimstone, because they don't agree with him.

I will be showing you a few classic images of these Blasphemi Ignorami  in action. Luckily for you, There will also be commentary by yours truly! Buckle the hell up (pun intended), because you are in for quite the experience.

Blashemi Ignorami #1

Take it from our John Travolta wannabe here: God will not tolerate fruits. Even if he has to suffer through scurvy. We should also thank our friend Travolta for the fun fact of the day:  Romans 9:13 reads, "And Jesus spoke to his disciples and said, my father hates fags". Quite abusive language coming from a deity who prides himself on loving the outcasts of society. I would also like to note the ironic color schematic displayed on this anti-gay sign. Nothing says, "My God hates your gay lifestyle!" like rainbows. Or maybe it is foreshadowing of a future flood, where God will wipe out the gay population of the Earth. Can anyone say "Cheap San Fransiscan real estate"?

This one is just for kicks

"We're eight and we're straight!" And holding hands...?
The most frightening part of this picture is the fact that they have figured out the key to any humans heart: a black toddler with what appears to be a fro in the making! How could you look at little Aydens smiling face and NOT live a life of blinding hatred towards the gay community?

Blasphemi Ignorami  #2

I don't think so...but at this point he is at least getting a little annoyed.
I must say, I did a double take at this picture. Maybe it's because the "God Hates America" sign is red, white and blue. Maybe it's because this girl is wearing a Kansas City Royals shirt, which she most likely bought from the disgustingly patriotic Old Navy. Or maybe it's because this girl is freaking SEVEN YEARS OLD. Based on what I assume to be her parents intelligence level, this girl:
1) Is homeschooled
2) Is lacking an education on how America even came to be
3) Is oblivious to the fact that her sign would probably be more effective if actually facing the road

Blasphemi Ignorami #3

Uh-oh! We've got ourselves a two-for-one blasphemy special! I'll address this one sign at a time.  We'll start with our Middle Eastern friend's pretty-much-predictable-but-not-normally-biblically-backed taste for anti-semeticism.
For the record, the Jews didn't TECHNICALLY kill Jesus. The Romans did, mostly out of fear that the jews would riot. I for one can't blame Pontious, who was probably at his wits end with Judaism's knack for week long holidays involving not much more than singing and dancing, and if he had to kill one Son of God to keep them quiet for a month, then that's his price to pay. Also, I hate to burst this lovely ladies bubble...but JESUS WAS JEWISH.
Now I shall address the blatantly broad condemnation sign. Apparently this particular individual has gotten so tired of trying to pick sinners our of the crowd that she has opted for the easier solution: just tell everyone that they're going to hell, it's hit and miss right? I also love the smile she has on her face as she tells innocent passerby that that they are going to suffer in the eternal hellfires of God's wrath. Service with a smile, as they say.

Well, that concludes your brief tour of idiocy at it's finest. Now, I know you are all starving for some more pictures of people making fools of themselves in public in the name of Jesus, so here are some more pictures, accompanied by brief captions.


This man has opted for the classic beard
defense in the midst of Jesus' Mighty schlong

Yet again, marijuana exerts its powers of peace

But God also hates mean/ugly people

Well SOMEBODY is getting coal in her stocking

He made it in Arts & Crafts

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Some Fun Facts

Here is everything (almost(so I lied, get over it)) you need to know about David Gillespie:
1- He was born to a pack of wolves...just kidding. If I was one of those kids, you probably would have shot yourself. Screw stereotypical bloggers. Jesus H. Christ.
2- As you can see, I tend to say somewhat sacreligious things. It happens.
3- As stated in fun fact number 1, I am NOT the stereotype blogger who hangs out at Starbucks blasting Radiohead in his Skullcandy's while he pounds down a triple espresso, thus giving him the attention span to write 17 non-sensical paragraphs on why HIS life is so miserable, and why he no one could ever ever understand in a million YEARS, not even the starving children in Tanzania (I mean come on, his girlfriend broke up with him, it had been two weeks and he was so in love!)
4- As you can see ^ I am also somewhat of a souless bastard. You can (you gueesed it!) get over it.
5- I am absolutely in love with music. No funnies here (sorry folks), because this is for rizzeal. Shit...I did it again.
6- I will (as mentioned in fun fact numero dos) say sacreligious things. THEY ARE JOKES. I believe in Jesus, but as you will read if you continue to follow this lonely blog, it is not a Jesus you have heard of if you grew up in the run of the mill (clothing mill) American church.
7- I get bored easily. Thus, this blog is done. Stay classy San Die...but really, I promise I won't be THAT guy.

From the mind of David Gillespie