Friday, May 27, 2011

4 People Who Don't Want to Hear You Whine

Sometimes, the physical aspects of life can really wear you down. Maybe it's that 15 minute walk to your 9:00 AM class, or that awful hill you have to conquer before making it to work. Either way, we all get handed little physical trials in life, and we love to handle them in one way, and one way only: we bitch about them. It's understandable, because nobody can truly feel the pain we feel when we have to walk through the snow on our way to the coffee shop.

"Everyone at work will be hearing about THIS bullshit"
However, there are at least four people that would listen to 30 seconds of these sob stories and proceed to either laugh at you, or give you the finger.

#1 - Jim Abbott: One-Handed MLB Pitcher

If you have followed professional baseball at all, you know two things: it really sucks to follow professional baseball, and that having two hands is generally a good idea before attempting to play. Jim Abbott would disagree with you on both. Abbott was born a healthy baby despite one minor setback, he didn't have a freaking right hand. Now, most people would learn to deal with this disability, of course, but Abbott wasn't satisfied with just living up to normal expectations and he decided to tell his disability to take a hike and went on to become an All-American college pitcher and MLB pitching legend. That is more than about 99.99% of you will ever accomplish with both of your damn hands.

"*cough* pussy! *cough*"
How, exactly, did Jim Abbott manage to play a most-definitely two handed sport with only one hand? We would normally assume that it was due to an abnormal amount of "don't-give-a-shit" in his DNA, but apparently he had a tried and true technique that he had developed to overcome his shortfall. He would pitch with his left hand, mounting a right-handed glove on his--umm--stump, and slip his hand into the glove immediately after releasing the ball with enough time to field any balls that were hit in his direction. When he fielded a ball, he would slip his hand back out of the glove, grab the ball from the glove, and proceed to throw out the sorry asshole who thought it was clever of himself to bunt at a pitcher with a handicap.

"How the HELL does he keep on doing that?!"

All in all, Abbott managed to play professional baseball for ten years for four different teams, and even managed to throw a no-hitter when pitching for the Yankees, an accomplishment that most two-handed pitchers can't even manage to get under their belt. You know, not a big deal or anything.

#2 - Casey Pieretti: Rollerblader and Professional "No-Shits" Giver

In November of 1985, Pieretti was a 19 year old basketball player under scholarship at Nevada's Wassuck College. On a weekend, he was playing designated driver for all of his drunken friends. When they were almost to their destination, the car broke down, and the universe released an ominous "dunh-dunh-DUUUUUUNHHHH". Pieretti, only a few blocks from his house, decided to get behind the car and push his drunken friends back home. However, while under a street light wearing extremely bright clothing, a drunk driver managed to smash Pieretti between the two cars, completely smashing his right leg and, according to Pieretti, "only kind of smashing the left one".  Although he had been sandwiched between two metal death traps, Pieretti likes to note that hiscar rolled all the away into his driveway, evidence that he still got the job done.

"And the award for Best DD goes to..."
Luckily for Pieretti, an EMT managed to drive by and notice him laying in the yard bleeding from both legs, and drinking a beer he had opened with the teeth of the dead drunk drivers body (need source). Upon arriving at the hospital, it became obvious that thy would need to remove his leg from the knee down. Most people in this situation would have cried, eaten incessantly, cried some more, and lived the rest of their lives off of the settlement. Pieretti decided he would go with being a friggin' triathlete. And he did, until he broke his one remaining ankle during a race.


Okay, at this point, most of us probably would have offed ourselves. Let's be honest. Pieretti, however, had other plans. If the God of dickery was not going to allow him to be a triathlete, then he would follow another pursuit. What pursuit would a one legged man attempt, you may ask? Although he probably had a few ridiculous options, Pieretti went with rollerblading across the state. Oh wait, that was a typo. He rollerbladed across the freaking country. Rollerblading just became a little less gay.

I stand corrected.
#3 - Bear Grylls: All Around Badass

Bear Grylls has been the point of some controversy. His TV show, "Man vs. Wild" has pulled in criticisms from viewers and journalists claiming that many of the episodes are fake, planned, or rigged.

Pictured above: Not real enough
Even though Grylls is the only person on this list who has all of his appendages, he has still earned his spot. In 1996, during a parachuting mission in Zambia (I mentioned he was a badass, right?) his parachute canopy tore open at about 4,800 feet. He landed on his parachute pack, on his back, and broke his back in three places. According to him, he could have opened his reserve chute and been fine, but he thought that he had enough time to resolve the situation without it, because, well, reserve chutes are for pussies. His doctor informed him that it was unlikely he would ever walk again, and Grylls responded with, "or I could go climb Mt. Fucking Everest". So what did he do? He climbed Mt. Fucking Everest, 18 months later. Apparently he had a sit down talk with his back, and common sense, and told them both that he would not be tolerating any of their bullshit. Not only was this a feat considering that he had broken his back 18 months before, but he was also the youngest Brit to do so, at 23 years old. What else has Grylls done after breaking his back? Oh, not much. He's only circumnavigated the entire UK on a jet-ski, crossed the North Atlantic in an inflatable boat, paramotored over Angel falls AND the Himalayas, and taken a team of five across the frozen, 2,500 mile Northwest passage in a rigid inflatable boat.

"and what the hell have YOU done lately?"
#4 - Glenn Malmskrog: Firefighter, Stuntman, Pyrotechnician, Everything Else that You Can't 

During a stuntman job for a Chinese Kung-Fu Western film (no I am not shitting you), Malmskrog was tripped by another actor and shattered his knee. His knee was healing initially, but the bones started to degrade, and he got an infection. His doctor decided that he was going to have to saw off his leg from the knee down. After the removal of his leg, Malmskrog did what any other human being would have done and he settled down with his wife and started writing fiction novels. Just kidding. He kept doing the same freaking stuff. Oh yea, and he also became a firefighter.

"Why? Because, why not?"
His first film after the fateful removal of his appendage was a job as a stuntman in the movie "Omega Code 2". When he was asked whether or not he would be able to run in the film, he was quoted as eloquently replying, "Sure". He has done many stunts since his injury, including high falls, crashing a motorcycle into a forklift, and being set on fire. However, he soon grew bored of the whole "risking his life for movies" business, and decided that he would follow the next logical step and become a firefighter. His choice to save the lives of others without all of his extremities has fallen under some skepticism. Malmskrog's response? "Try to keep up with me. I'm out here hiking and running these mountain roads, almost on a daily basis. I don't ask anybody to make concessions for me being an amputee. I do everything required of me or any other firefighter." In other words, "fuck you". Apart from being slightly abrasive, he has also given out words of encouragement for other amputees: "If you're 65 and have lost your leg to diabetes, don't curl up and say my life is over, play golf. Play with the grandkids."


Thursday, May 26, 2011

10 of the Worst Album Covers of All Time

In the world of modern music, it is a simple truth that an album cover can truly make or break you. After all, what is the one thing you see before you decide to purchase a CD? The album cover. With that knowledge in hand, one would be led to believe that performing artists would put some time into their decisions for cover art. However, I am going to show you ten examples of artists whose thought process in regards to their cover art is yet to be understood. These artists vary from popular to obscure, but they all have one attribute in common: awful, awful album covers.

#1 - Ken: By Request Only

Never have I seen such an empty gaze
This album cover has actually received quite a bit of notoriety on the interweb as being one of the worst album-covers of all time. And honestly, it isn't really hard to see why. Rumor has it that if you stare into "Ken"s eyes for 30 seconds without blinking, then you can close your eyes and you will notice that Ken has come out of the closet with a blank look of murder in his eye.

So who is this "Ken"? Where does he come from, what kind of music did he play? These were all hotly debated questions amongst computer-glued hipsters until someone decided to go and find out. It turns out that Ken is a Bible Belt Christian musician; his full name is Ken Snyder. He actually has had a great sense of humor about the whole internet fiasco, and like any whole-hearted and generous Christian would, he sold every last copy of the album he had. On the eBay ad's, he even put "Worst Album Cover" in the selling title. And it would appear that they got sold pretty damn quickly, as you can't find a single one on eBay anymore. Well done, Ken. Well done.

#2 - Jim Post: I Love My Life

Do you really...?
What appears to be a snapshot of Ken Snyder taking the most depressing cold shower ever witnessed is actually the cover art for American folk singer Jim Post's album, I Love My Life. The only thing is, he looks fucking traumatized. His eyes appear to tell the tale of an event so horrifying that no words will do it justice, just his blank, empty, soul-scarring stare. The culprit? He hasn't come out and said who hurt him in such a manner.

You know what you did. 

#3 - Gary Dee Bradford: Sings for You and You and You

"Baby Ruuuuuuuth!"
At first glance, it would appear that whoever this Gary Dee Bradford has gone for the psychological tactic of picking the most herp-derp child he could find to put on the cover of his album, daring you to tell the kid that his moment of fame was for naught.

Tell him. Right now.

However, the truth is much, much more horrifying. The truth being? That's actually him. Gary Dee Bradford is pictured on the cover, in all of his misshapen glory. Don't believe me? Well then take a gander.

He's probably made better choices than buying the puppet...
#4 - The Beatles: Yesterday and Today

Now, I am sure that most of you are wondering why on earth The Beatles even made this list. For most baby boomers and hipsters, The Beatles can do no wrong. Besides, the cover art for that album wasn't even bad!

Not creative, but not bad either.

Well, this isn't what The Beatles intended to have as their album cover. The truth is, their original album cover got recalled from distributors. Now, why would they do something like that? What could The Beatles have possibly put on the original album cover that would cause it to get recalled?

Oh...oh Jesus.
Yes. The Beatles had apparently decided that the best choice for an album cover was them dressed up as butchers, surrounded by meat and fake baby parts. Kids, this is why you don't do LSD.

#5 - The Ministers Quartet: Let Me Touch Him

I don't even need to explain why this album is disturbing. I really don't. Granted, it isn't their fault that their album name grossly lends itself to a common minister stereotype, It's pretty much their fault.

#6 - Geraldine and Ricky: Trees Talk Too!

But we sort of wish they didn't

This album cover displays two of my greatest fears: puppets, and the mistress of horror that is holding this particular one. This lady must have been wondering "Hey, I wonder how I can make a ventriloquist puppet even creepier than it originally would be?"
The answer? A turtle neck and pink slacks. She also appears to have done herself a favor by giving the puppet a pale complexion that makes her look like less of a cold-hearted Ice Queen. An ill-fated ploy, if I do say so myself.

#7 - Prince: Lovesexy

A landmark achievement for the pencil moustache
There is honestly too many things going against this album cover. Maybe it's the huge flowers that represent an unfortunate attempt to display Prince's innocence, or maybe it's the fact that Prince decided that he would look best naked. It might also be that Prince is covering his chest as if he were hiding breasts. Quite honestly, it's making me wonder if he really is. The most disturbing part of this photo, however, is the fact that you can't stop looking at it. 

#8 - David Hasselhoff: Night Rocker

Kip looks slightly embarrassed 
David Hasselhoff, deciding that his not-really-hit TV show wasn't cheesy enough, decided that he would try his hand in music; and he took Kip along for the ride. Word isn't out quite yet on exactly what instrument Kip will be playing, but I'm going with keyboard.

#9 - Herbie Man: Push Push

Herbie Man decided that he had a mission, a simple mission: prove once and for all that the flute does not have to be an instrument for females. His idea? Shoot an album cover that features his abnormally hairy figure, naked, holding the flute like he had just got done doing some unmentionable deeds with it. As a result, this album cover continues to be an inspiration for flute playing rapists everywhere.

#10 - Mike Crain: God's Power

"In the name of the Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit...HIYA!!!"
First off, I would like to apologize for putting this album cover on the list of "Worst Album Covers", as this clearly is a portrait of what may be the most badass preacher in all of existence. Sure, some preachers try to convey the love of their God through heart felt preaches and altar calls, but Mike Crain has made a judgment call: he will build his ministry on the fact that he can plow his palm through cinder blocks faster than you can decide that Jesus might just be an all-right guy.

However, if you think that Mike Crain is the one holy man with an iron fist, you would be wrong.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

5 Animals That You Won't Believe Exist

We all know that the world is an unpredictable place. We get it, we've all seen the Discovery Channel (for those of you who haven't, you don't really appreciate sharks). However, Mother Earth somehow still has a way of throwing us a curveball every once in a while, and when she does, things can get ugly. The animals in this list, if I am being honest, are all horrifying. If you are easily scared, easily nauseated, or a vegetarian (you WILL want to kill these things), then I would go read another article from this blog. May I suggest this one? For those of you who are not giant pussies, however, you are in for a...I'm not going to call any of this a treat.

#1 - The Indian Gharial

"Is this where I audition for 'Pokemon'?"
You changed pants yet? Good. Meet one of God's monstrosities, the Indian Gharial. It is a rare crocodile found in India, and is the first animal that I have been pleased to report is on the endangered species list. This picture may be misleading as to its size, however. These sons-of-bitches can grow to be over twenty freaking feet long. This is just slightly shorter than the Saltwater Crocodile, which looks a little something like this.

It's all fun and games until you realize that an inch of plastic isn't good enough.
The crocodile pictured above may be huge, but I am going to put it below the Indian Gharial on the "shit yourself" scale due to the fact that its jaws don't appear to have been designed by Black & Decker.

#2 -  The Yeti Lobster

First off, let's be clear. Any animal to have earned a title with "Yeti" in the name should be considered horrifying on any level. This creature of Satan, however, managed to elude any sort of classification until 2005, when it was first discovered. All right, I have stalled on revealing this image of horror until now. Have fun trying to ever swim in an ocean again. 

It's daring you to sell it for $8.00 a lb.

 What the fuck, nature?! How has something that appears to be a combination of a muppet and pure fear managed to stay hidden until 2005? Well, it is because you won't be finding it anywhere near the beach (you can reschedule those island vacations, now). It was found living 2,300 meters down in the ocean near Easter Island, living near hydrothermal vents. So luckily for you, these creatures can't hurt you in real life. No promises on whether or not they will haunt your dreams, however.

#3 - The Dumbo Octopus

Let's get straight to the picture on this one.

"Why won't anyone love me?!"
Okay, so this one is less horrifying, and more

If there is a set up social ranking for octopi (and I like to think there is), the Dumbo Octopus is getting itself shoved in a locker. This thing looks like God had a quota for marine animals, and was quickly approaching his deadline when he decided to just say "screw it".  First off, can you notice one think wrong with this octopus other than the fact that it looks miserably lonely? How about the freaking fins? Many people make the mistake of thinking that they are ears, thus naming giving it the ridiculous name, but they are actually large fins that it uses to assist it in swimming. These octopuses can be found up to 7000 meters deep in the ocean, the deepest residing octopus. I hypothesize that this is due to the fact that shallow water is for the cool kids--er--octopi.

#4 - The White Turtle

This one should be avoided for those of you who have weak stomachs, or want to be able to enjoy Thanksgiving turkey ever, ever again. Here it is.

"Somebody. Anybody. Kill me."
If you think it looks like a sad, sorry creature of misfortune from this angle, then check this out.

"Can I PLEASE put it down now?"
Apart from being ugly as sin, this rare turtle actually holds a significant place in Chinese culture, believe it or not. In the novel Journey from the West, a Chinese entity is turned into one for their misdeeds and wrongdoings. Makes sense.

#5 - Star-Nosed Mole

Let me assure you, I have saved the best for last. By best, of course, I mean utterly horrifying and nightmare inducing. Without any further ado, I give you the Star-Nosed Mole.

No words. None.
This thing looks like an experiment gone horribly wrong, but don't worry, it is completely natural and lives in North America. It like to live in low wetland areas, and feeds on small invertebrates, worms, mollusks, and your soul. It's scientific name is ohmyjesus dontletit touchme, and is NOT an endangered species. But here's to hoping. I'll leave you with a picture of one of its better angles

The Star-Nosed Mole, pictured here just before laying waste to the dreams of children

Monday, May 23, 2011

The 5 Worst Jobs in the Country

Unless you a musician or Hugh Heffner's wife, chances are that you hate your job. You wake up early everyday so you can return to that awful 8-to-6 grind. Your coffee never tastes right, the traffic is always awful, and your boss; don't even MENTION your boss. He is, like, the biggest jag on the planet, and you've even met John Mayer.

Tell me that you don't want to sock his smug ass
You probably find yourself telling people that you are simply working the worst job in the world. Oh really? Because no you're fucking not.

Below are 5 jobs that would send your sorry ass back to the desk without a moment's hesitation.

#1 - Animal Masturbator

Oh yea. You know exactly this is going.
While you sit in a cubicle bitching about all of those FAX's you need to look through, and all of those memo's you need to get up to speed on, there is a man out there, somewhere, who is about to grasp the loins of a fucking horse and rub one out for that horse as if it were his job. Because it is.

Pictured: A good time to hit the classifieds
Granted, these people aren't just being told to jerk off livestock because there boss is a sick, sick man. They are doing this for a greater good, that greater good being that they need that sperm to then...oh god.

#2 - Animal Inseminator

It's like the baton pass from your worst  "The Deliverance" nightmares. Your co-worker has just successfully jerked off a barnyard animal-- no small feat --and you have grabbed the sticky vile and are now running towards your destination: some vacant livestock vagina. As you make your way over to the designation of said livestock's worst nightmare, you being to ponder why you didn't go to college.

The guy on left is being courteous and avoiding eye-contact
Yes. For some people, their work day consists of nothing but acting out the role of middle-man for barnyard impregnation. How's that cool, air conditioned office treating you now?

#3 - Guard at Buckingham Palace

Just a few questions before I dive into this one. Do you like being able to convey emotion? Your ability to appear human like? The privilege of sitting down? Not looking like a ridiculous asshole? Not getting treated like a ridiculous asshole? Then don't ever become a guard at Buckingham Palace.

It was his best option with that English degree...
The Buckingham Guards have been the butt of so many movie humiliations that they're starting to resemble Megan Fox's career (ZING!). Seriously, what would you do if some kid just got in your face and started saying "Do sumfing. Why don' you do sumfing? Wuh? Can't you smile? DO SUMFING!" I'll tell you what I'd do, but I might get arrested just for that alone. What can they do? Absolutely nothing. They tolerate more teasing than you did in middle school. Yea you. Pizza face.
If I were to encounter them, I would do one thing, and one thing only. Walk up to each and every one of them and say "knock knock!".


#4 - Rodeo Clowns

Okay, so these guys seem like they are fine with their jobs, but my guess is that it's only the face paint talking. Because when you think about it, their job consists of one thing and one thing only: distracting a 1500 lb swirling meat package of hate and angst who wants nothing more than to shove his horns straight from your poop chute to your nostrils. That is their job.

Better than pumping gas? Not at all.
What's worse, rodeo clowns never get famous. No, the people who are riding the bull, thus pissing it off are the ones with the fat paychecks, and they don't even have to handle the shit storm of pain that they themselves have brewed while sitting on top of a meaty testosterone cannon.

#5 - Disneyland Employee

All right. This one might be completely me, but what are Disney employees other than the exact opposite of those hard asses from Buckingham? Your job, for you entire career is to act as happy as humanly possible. It doesn't matter if you've had a bad day, it doesn't matter if it's that time of month, it doesn't matter if your boss just assigned you to "It's a Small World" for the 5th time this week, you just have to stand there and pretend that you a carefree man child.

I have never seen someone's face scream for help like this one.
  You around small children and their idiot parents, all day. You aren't allowed to even murmur a single sarcastic comment for your entire work shift. You stay there all day in the heat, while you listen to baby's crying and parents arguing, and then you drive your sorry ass back home where you proceed to drink away your sorrows while beating the shit out of that Mickey Mouse stuffed animal you stole.

4 "WTF?" Bible Verses

The Bible is typically known as a religious book tied to the Christian faith. It is chock full of parables and instructions that allow the true believer to follow a path of spiritual purity. However, there are sections of the "holy book" that would leave Eli Roth picking his jaw up at the door. These are stories and verses that you rarely hear about in Sunday school, so it is only appropriate that you learn about them here!

#1 - Judges 19 Prostitute Troubles

DISCLAIMER - If you don't believe what I am about to tell you, then look it up. I dare you.

This story takes place at a time when Israel was finding itself with a heavy lack in the whole "king" department, so needless to say, people were pretty much doing what the fuck they wanted to do. With those rules on the board, an individual by the name of...shit. They don't say what his name is. An individual by the new given name of "Carl" decided that he needed him some wife action, so he went about accomplishing this task in the most reasonable way possible: he got a hooker. The verse specifically states that he "took unto him a concubine".

Pictured: Biblical era courtship
The verse doesn't exactly say whether or not Carl got this hooker in his possession, and quite frankly, there are quite a few ways he could have accomplished such a feat. Either way, Carl went to Bethlehem, and he was heading back home with one more hooker than he had arrived with, and a presumably smug grin on his face. Once he got home, however, it appears that things didn't go all that well. Judges 19:2 states that the concubine became angry, and marched her high heel ass back home to her father. She stayed there for four months before Carl yet again became bored and decided he was going to go to his wife(hooker?)'s house and sweet talk her into cumming back home. He brought his servant and two donkeys along for the ride, as those are clearly the tools necessary for bitch retrieval. When he gets to his father-in-law(ish)'s house, he is surprisingly happy to see the man who had disappeared with his daughter months before (this apparently was not all too uncommon). He demanded that Carl stay and kick it at his place for a while. When three days passed, Carl decided it was time to go, but his father-in-law was having none of it. He made Carl stay for three more days before finally letting him return with his daughter. On their way back, the sun started to set and his servant mentioned that it may be a good idea to turn it in for the night at Jebus. Carl, however, was a Levite, and he basically told his servant that he would be having none of that Jebusite bullshit, and they continued their trip long into the night until they got to a city occupied by Levites, who upon Carl's return kindly decided to not give them anywhere to stay. After a few hours in the cold, an old farmer decides to let Carl and his crew stay at his place for the night.
WARNING: This is where shit gets very, very ugly.
What proceeds to happen in this bible story literally has zero relevance to...well...anything. Randomly during their stay, there is a knock on the farmers door. He answers the door to find a group of men who state very politely that the farmer needs to give them Carl to use as a homoerotic sex-slave. After some thought, the farmer gives them a swift and solid "hell no". However, no one would ever claim this farmer to be unreasonable, as he then offered to give them his virgin daughter and Carl's wife. I find it funny that he doesn't even ask Carl's permission first, and I find it very not funny that Carl had no problem with this. However, the carnal seeking men at the door weren't having any of it, and refused to leave. Carl's solution? Throw his wife out and lock the door. I hope Carl was able to sleep that night while those men, and I quote THE FRIGGIN BIBLE, "wantonly raped her, and abused her all through the night until the morning". When morning came, they finally let her go, and she miserably slumped to the doorstep and passed out/maybe died. Are you kidding me? NOBODY LET HER IN? Finally, ass-hole-husband-of-the-year came out of the damned house. Looking upon his recently raped wife, he motioned toward her and remorsefully said "Get up, we're leaving". For the record, God has stricken people down for no more than lying about their tithes. Just saying. When Carl found that his wife was non-responsive, he responded to throw her on the donkey and leave. When he got home, he pondered what he should possibly do in this situation. At this point, I would say that this girl had earned the wife-of-the-fucking-century award, and should at least be getting some elaborate breakfast in bed. Carl's decision? He took a knife, cut her into twelve pieces, and sent her throughout the entire territory of Israel. No. I am not kidding. Look that shit up.

#2 - Deuteronomy 21: 18-21 Your Child: Between Several Rocks and a Hard Place

This one isn't a story so much as a law straight out of a Quentin Tarentino created world.
The situation: your child has been misbehaving. He has been fighting with his 7 brothers, and he simply refuses to do those chores that you ask of him. He is impolite, he speaks rudely to guests, you have simply had it up to here with this kid. You've tried everything from spanking to incessant lecturing, but he isn't having any of it.

The brat, giving no fucks
Well, as it turns out, God has little to no tolerance for nasty little twerps like your problematic son, and he has come up with his own solution.

"If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them: Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him . . . and all the men of his city shall stone him with stones that he die."

Wait, what? Did God just condone your children being stoned for their minor childhood transgressions?

No, no, no! Stoned, not sto---god damn it.
Seriously? In the Old Testament, all it took for your child to get brutally murdered via rocks was for him to mouth off and disobey? I would ask if God actually had any experience raising children, but we all know what happened to his kid.

Too soon?

#3 - Numbers 31:1-18 Moses, the Mass Murderer?

Even those of you who did not go to church as kids probably know who Moses is. He is one of the most iconic figureheads of the Christian and Jewish religions, and they would have you believe that there could be no wrong done by him.

I mean, look at the guy. Totally white.
However, there is a darkness lurking behind the history of Moses that they won't tell you in church, quite frankly because you probably wouldn't come back. You see, after Moses talked to a bush, freed the Israelite population from slavery, and crossed the Red Sea, they didn't just sit on their asses. Oh no, they had some conquering to do, and God was behind them, one-hundred percent.

God: in conquering mode
The first race of people that God and Moses decided to completely lay waste to was the Medianites. Moses' instructions for his soldiers were simple: go in there and murder the hell out of everything that has a case of the "dropped-balls", and keep the women and children for later. Well, Moses' army did pretty well, except they took a few liberties and raped a good amount of the women. Even though this was Moses' plan for them either way, he was, like, totally pissed that they ruined the surprise for themselves. With over 40,000 Medianites under his control, it was decision time for Moses, and boy did he ever come through. His solution? Kill every single boy and non virgin, keep the virgins for later. Moses' total body count for that one choice? A respectable thirty-two fucking thousand. 

God, you're kind of starting to creep us out now....Oh well. This is all in the past. I mean at this point, these stories are like bad horror movies. At least God didn't leave us with any violent clifhangers, right? Haha right...?


#4 - Zephania 2:12-15 Fuck You, Ethiopia

There are few countries that place higher on the "completely harmless" scale than Ethiopia. When you even hear the countries name, you instantly think of that 50 yeard old white guy guilt tripping you into donating a quarter a day so that Skinooshabehk doesn't starve, get malaria, or just basically get killed by the beast that is Africa. I mean, let's face it, Ethiopia is pretty much fucked as it is. But hey, at least it doesn't have a violent ancient biblical prophecy looming over it's head. Right?

For the love of all that's holy, say I'm right.

"You Ethiopians will also be slaughtered by my sword," says the LORD.  And the LORD will strike the lands of the north with his fist.  He will destroy Assyria and make its great capital, Nineveh, a desolate wasteland, parched like a desert.  The city that once was so proud will become a pasture for sheep and cattle.  All sorts of wild animals will settle there.  Owls of many kinds will live among the ruins of its palaces, hooting from the gaping windows.  Rubble will block all the doorways, and the cedar paneling will lie open to the wind and weather.  This is the fate of that boisterous city, once so secure.  "In all the world there is no city as great as I," it boasted.  But now, look how it has become an utter ruin, a place where animals live!  Everyone passing that way will laugh in derision or shake a defiant fist."

Wow. Just, wow. Am I the only one picking up an alarmingly personal tone from God, here? I mean, come on. His first two words are "You Ethiopians". So this is a random promise from God, stating that he is going to lay SHIT to Ethiopia, and then it will totally be the home for, like, animals and shit. And then everyone will laugh at them. Neener-neener. This sounds like a twelve year old God swearing vengeance on that asshole in PE that always picks him last! I'm not quite sure why God has put Ethiopia on his shit list, but my advice is to just not socialize with Ethiopia for a good long while. Just to be safe.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

4 Popular Feminism Factoids (That are actually BS)

Let me start off by saying that this is definitely a tender subject. Even right now, as I am writing this, I am imagining the repercussions of this blog, and none of them seem pleasant.

Pictured: Not pleasant
 Now, I am going to start off by stating that I realize full well that at one point, females were viewed as lesser beings in society, and the smell of burning bras in the air was completely justified (worth mentioning is the fact that taking your bra off is not on the list of ways to piss off men). However, in today's day and age, the role of women in society has reached a point of equality in which unfair treatment is hardly seen in day to day life. Yet the feminist wave of anger and faux-hawks persists with little indication of slowing. Here are four ridiculous myths that are spread by uber-feminists in order to make men the common enemy that they, for some reason, deeply crave.

#1 - Women Make 75% as Much Money as Men

This claim has gone around for decades now, with feminists claiming that women get paid far less than men for no other reason than the lack of a schlong under their twisted panties.

As wrong as this may seem, he is still getting the full dollar for his work.

Why this is BS:

How many of you have held a long term job? Have you ever been around on payday and seen your female counter part stare at her check in confusion at a paycheck that is worth only 3/4 of the one you have received? The answer is no, because if such were the case, you could bet your sweet behind that your female counterpart would have your boss in a breast-filled full monty before he had time to even say "aunt". This is because if you hold the same job as woman, with the same amount of credentials, and the same amount of time with the company, you will be paid the same fucking amount of money. Now, could there be differences from paycheck to paycheck? Of course. But these differences in monetary compensation for work are never based on what type of action you've got going on between those thighs of yours. It is based on things like how many dependents you have claimed, or how long you have been with company, or just how well you do during your "one-on-one evaluations" with the boss.

My my, Rachel, those ARE two good reasons for a raise!

So, why is this myth even around?

The reason is all in the wording. This statistic is always represented as if women are being paid less for doing the same job as their male counterparts, when the statistic is actually representing the amount of money that women earn across the board, not taking into account what experience they have, how many hours they work, or even what freaking job they have. It's the same as saying that the homeless guy downtown with 4 cats is making 0% of the money that Bill Gates is making. This statistic is basically stating that if you pull a random male and a random female off of the street, chances are that the female is making less money. The reason for this? Gender based interests. High schools across the board show that males excel in subjects such as science and math, while females take the cake (home to their working husbands) in subjects such as English and history. In case you are not aware, let me lay something out for you: individuals with college degrees in math and hard sciences get paid a LOT more than those Starbuck's baristas with history and English degrees.

It's pronounced "venti", asswipe.
#2 - 1 in 4 Females in College Will Get Raped

Okay. At first, I didn't even want to acknowledge this popular myth because, you know, it freaking isn't true. However, I recall my freshman orientation at Central Washington University, and they bumped up the scare-o-meter by stating that it is actually 1 in 3 females who get raped whilst at college.

"So you ARE interested in my private study group?"

Why this is BS:

Come on, now. We should all know better than this. How many of you can go into a college cafeteria and picture 25-33% of those females getting surprise sex in their college career? Unless you are a quite ambitious sex offender, chances are that you really don't see that as plausible. Why don't you think that this is plausible? Because it isn't. Let me illustrate my point with a real world scenario. At my college, there have been only three cases of attempted rape on campus, and every situation turned into campus wide shitstorm.

Everybody grab a pitchfork and torch! We're gonna get the bastard!

 If one in three girls were getting raped, why would the entire fucking student body react in a way that resembles a nuclear bomb threat when someone simply tries to get their rape on and fails? Of course, you can tell me that not every girl who gets raped tells anyone, but I can go ahead and tell you that studies show that this amount of silent rape victims is currently sitting at about 60%. That is a large amount, I'll admit, but math would say that this means 1 in 10 girls on my campus should be getting raped and squealing their asses off about it.

So, why is this myth even around?

If you haven't been through a college freshman orientation, let me fill you in on their number one goal: to scare the ever-loving shit out of you. According to the college faculty, every drug will leave you naked in a field surrounded by equally naked hobos, every drop of alcohol is one more step on the slippery slope that wants to send you ass up on the toilet, and you want to know the worst part? If you ever, and they mean EVER, drag your unprepared little ass to a party, guess what happens?

This. THIS happens.

Colleges are big on scare tactics, and I mean BIG. If you're on a college campus at this moment, take a look out your window. Chances are, you can see an "emergency pole". If you haven't been to a campus, let me explain the concept. "Emergency poles" are 6-7' tall poles with bright lights on the top of them, and a big button you can push to call the police if you are in a jam.

However, I digress. This popular "1 in 4" statistic was a result of a poll that was commissioned by "Ms." magazine. The researcher, Mary Koss, was hired by a hardcore feminist by the name of Gloria Steinem. One little mishap in relation to this poll, however. After the statistic was already released, Koss came forward and stated that 73% of the women she counted as being raped were not actually aware that they had been raped, and 43% were already dating their "attacker" again.


#3 - "The Rule of Thumb"

This is one of the oldest attempts by feminists to make men out as monsters in the book. Anyone who has seen The Boondock Saints knows full well about this urban legend of accepted abuse. The reference takes place when Sean Patrick Flannery makes the mistake of saying "the rule of thumb" in front of a very large, very angry feminist in a meat plant. The feminist in question makes a mini-speech to everyone in the warehouse stating that the rule thumb is a reference to an old-time rule that allowed men to beat their wives with a stick so long as the stick being used was no wider than their thumb. This is when Flannery makes the ill-fated remark, "can't do much damage with that, now can we? Perhaps it should have been the rule of wrist.”

Pictured: An angry feminist, seconds away from planting her work boot into Sean Patrick Flanery's family jewels

Why this is BS:

Well, simply put, there is no indication that this was ever a law. Like, ever. This law was supposedly passed by Judge Sir Francis Buller in 1782. Even though there is no doubt that Buller was a rough, and famously arrogant judge, there is absolutely no indication that he ever passed such a law. The actual origin of the popular phrase is still unknown, and has been around since the 1600's.

So, Why is this myth even around?

Honestly, who knows. Feminists of the day more than likely saw a phrase with no actual meaning behind it, and came up with a meaning that forwarded their movement by making men out to be abusive ingrates. Granted, in 1700's era Europe, men were abusive. However, they really didn't need a rule of thumb. They could have realistically used any damn stick they very well pleased, and probably not gotten a batted eyelash from government officials.

#4 - 30% of female emergency room admittances are for domestic violence

Although laughable, this statistic is actually quite popular amongst active feminists. According to them, if you ever visit an emergency room, there is a one in three chance that you just got your shit rocked by your significant other.

"Doctor, this is the 32nd case of 'falling into a doorknob' this week!"
Why this is BS:

Let's just start off with some realistic statistics, like the fact that the National Center for Health Statistics states that the realistic amount of domestic violence cases in emergency rooms is around 1%. Honestly, did you even need to read that to second-guess the fact that of ALL the injuries that lead people to emergency rooms, 30% of them are for domestic violence? Come on now, not every day can be Superbowl Sunday.

The very last thing she saw after bringing him and his friends Busch Light when they asked for beer

So, why is this myth even around?

After the last myth, do I really even need to answer this time?

All right men, let's review. Hard-core feminists think that you not only make more money than them for no apparent reason, but that you also want to rape them; and if not rape them, than beat the life out of them. Why does all of this happen? Because. Just fucking because.