Friday, May 27, 2011

4 People Who Don't Want to Hear You Whine

Sometimes, the physical aspects of life can really wear you down. Maybe it's that 15 minute walk to your 9:00 AM class, or that awful hill you have to conquer before making it to work. Either way, we all get handed little physical trials in life, and we love to handle them in one way, and one way only: we bitch about them. It's understandable, because nobody can truly feel the pain we feel when we have to walk through the snow on our way to the coffee shop.

"Everyone at work will be hearing about THIS bullshit"
However, there are at least four people that would listen to 30 seconds of these sob stories and proceed to either laugh at you, or give you the finger.

#1 - Jim Abbott: One-Handed MLB Pitcher

If you have followed professional baseball at all, you know two things: it really sucks to follow professional baseball, and that having two hands is generally a good idea before attempting to play. Jim Abbott would disagree with you on both. Abbott was born a healthy baby despite one minor setback, he didn't have a freaking right hand. Now, most people would learn to deal with this disability, of course, but Abbott wasn't satisfied with just living up to normal expectations and he decided to tell his disability to take a hike and went on to become an All-American college pitcher and MLB pitching legend. That is more than about 99.99% of you will ever accomplish with both of your damn hands.

"*cough* pussy! *cough*"
How, exactly, did Jim Abbott manage to play a most-definitely two handed sport with only one hand? We would normally assume that it was due to an abnormal amount of "don't-give-a-shit" in his DNA, but apparently he had a tried and true technique that he had developed to overcome his shortfall. He would pitch with his left hand, mounting a right-handed glove on his--umm--stump, and slip his hand into the glove immediately after releasing the ball with enough time to field any balls that were hit in his direction. When he fielded a ball, he would slip his hand back out of the glove, grab the ball from the glove, and proceed to throw out the sorry asshole who thought it was clever of himself to bunt at a pitcher with a handicap.

"How the HELL does he keep on doing that?!"

All in all, Abbott managed to play professional baseball for ten years for four different teams, and even managed to throw a no-hitter when pitching for the Yankees, an accomplishment that most two-handed pitchers can't even manage to get under their belt. You know, not a big deal or anything.

#2 - Casey Pieretti: Rollerblader and Professional "No-Shits" Giver

In November of 1985, Pieretti was a 19 year old basketball player under scholarship at Nevada's Wassuck College. On a weekend, he was playing designated driver for all of his drunken friends. When they were almost to their destination, the car broke down, and the universe released an ominous "dunh-dunh-DUUUUUUNHHHH". Pieretti, only a few blocks from his house, decided to get behind the car and push his drunken friends back home. However, while under a street light wearing extremely bright clothing, a drunk driver managed to smash Pieretti between the two cars, completely smashing his right leg and, according to Pieretti, "only kind of smashing the left one".  Although he had been sandwiched between two metal death traps, Pieretti likes to note that hiscar rolled all the away into his driveway, evidence that he still got the job done.

"And the award for Best DD goes to..."
Luckily for Pieretti, an EMT managed to drive by and notice him laying in the yard bleeding from both legs, and drinking a beer he had opened with the teeth of the dead drunk drivers body (need source). Upon arriving at the hospital, it became obvious that thy would need to remove his leg from the knee down. Most people in this situation would have cried, eaten incessantly, cried some more, and lived the rest of their lives off of the settlement. Pieretti decided he would go with being a friggin' triathlete. And he did, until he broke his one remaining ankle during a race.


Okay, at this point, most of us probably would have offed ourselves. Let's be honest. Pieretti, however, had other plans. If the God of dickery was not going to allow him to be a triathlete, then he would follow another pursuit. What pursuit would a one legged man attempt, you may ask? Although he probably had a few ridiculous options, Pieretti went with rollerblading across the state. Oh wait, that was a typo. He rollerbladed across the freaking country. Rollerblading just became a little less gay.

I stand corrected.
#3 - Bear Grylls: All Around Badass

Bear Grylls has been the point of some controversy. His TV show, "Man vs. Wild" has pulled in criticisms from viewers and journalists claiming that many of the episodes are fake, planned, or rigged.

Pictured above: Not real enough
Even though Grylls is the only person on this list who has all of his appendages, he has still earned his spot. In 1996, during a parachuting mission in Zambia (I mentioned he was a badass, right?) his parachute canopy tore open at about 4,800 feet. He landed on his parachute pack, on his back, and broke his back in three places. According to him, he could have opened his reserve chute and been fine, but he thought that he had enough time to resolve the situation without it, because, well, reserve chutes are for pussies. His doctor informed him that it was unlikely he would ever walk again, and Grylls responded with, "or I could go climb Mt. Fucking Everest". So what did he do? He climbed Mt. Fucking Everest, 18 months later. Apparently he had a sit down talk with his back, and common sense, and told them both that he would not be tolerating any of their bullshit. Not only was this a feat considering that he had broken his back 18 months before, but he was also the youngest Brit to do so, at 23 years old. What else has Grylls done after breaking his back? Oh, not much. He's only circumnavigated the entire UK on a jet-ski, crossed the North Atlantic in an inflatable boat, paramotored over Angel falls AND the Himalayas, and taken a team of five across the frozen, 2,500 mile Northwest passage in a rigid inflatable boat.

"and what the hell have YOU done lately?"
#4 - Glenn Malmskrog: Firefighter, Stuntman, Pyrotechnician, Everything Else that You Can't 

During a stuntman job for a Chinese Kung-Fu Western film (no I am not shitting you), Malmskrog was tripped by another actor and shattered his knee. His knee was healing initially, but the bones started to degrade, and he got an infection. His doctor decided that he was going to have to saw off his leg from the knee down. After the removal of his leg, Malmskrog did what any other human being would have done and he settled down with his wife and started writing fiction novels. Just kidding. He kept doing the same freaking stuff. Oh yea, and he also became a firefighter.

"Why? Because, why not?"
His first film after the fateful removal of his appendage was a job as a stuntman in the movie "Omega Code 2". When he was asked whether or not he would be able to run in the film, he was quoted as eloquently replying, "Sure". He has done many stunts since his injury, including high falls, crashing a motorcycle into a forklift, and being set on fire. However, he soon grew bored of the whole "risking his life for movies" business, and decided that he would follow the next logical step and become a firefighter. His choice to save the lives of others without all of his extremities has fallen under some skepticism. Malmskrog's response? "Try to keep up with me. I'm out here hiking and running these mountain roads, almost on a daily basis. I don't ask anybody to make concessions for me being an amputee. I do everything required of me or any other firefighter." In other words, "fuck you". Apart from being slightly abrasive, he has also given out words of encouragement for other amputees: "If you're 65 and have lost your leg to diabetes, don't curl up and say my life is over, play golf. Play with the grandkids."


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