Sunday, May 29, 2011

5 Reasons Why Glee is Completely Outlandish

Let me start off by saying that I love Glee. Every night that involves a new episode entails me, popcorn, a snuggie and some lube—I mean—butter. Anyways, I think the cast is exceptionally talented, and they pull off every song they do with fantastic results.

Pictured: Fantastic results

The only problem is this: whatever reality these show choir teens live in, it sure as hell isn't ours. Everything about this show, when compared with real life circumstances, is completely ludicrous.

And not the good kind, either. 

 #5 - The Characters

The new hit show for tween girls and homosexuals, Glee, is cast in the surprisingly glamorous world of Lima, Ohio. In the first season, we are introduced to the cast as they are starting their sophomore year of high school. The Glee club quickly comes to consist of a football captain, a pair of Asians, a few cheerleaders, the most annoying spawn of life you have ever met, a soul sista', and a cripple. And a few filler characters that were never seen again...

Seriously, what the FUCK happened to this kid?!
Allow me to return to the point at hand: the reason as to why nothing makes sense about these characters.

Well, for starters, let's point out the fact that at the beginning of their sophomore year, most of these kids should technically be 15 years old. That means they shouldn't even be old enough to drive a car without their parents, which is odd, considering most of them look old enough to have a freaking family.

If this girl is 15, then I am having some truly disturbing feelings right now.
However, one can look past the...well...looks, and just look at the freaking talent that these kids appear to posses at 15 years old. According to the writers of Glee, this is what a sophomore show choir from Ohio sounds like.

They're all so excited for their drivers tests.
Want to know why these kids look and sing absolutely nothing like any 15 year old alive? Probably due to the fact that a few of them are seasoned Broadway performers, and all of them are in their damned twenties. Rachel, for example? The actor/Broadway-star/all-around-freak-of-nature who plays her, Lea Michele, is in her fucking twenties. How about Finn, the lovable football dork? Well, he is played by Cory Monteith, who is almost thirty. In fact, the youngest actor on the show is Chris Colfer, who plays Kurt Hummel. How old is he? Well, he can go out and by any damned cocktail he wanted, because his ass is 21 friggin' years old. If these characters were the age of the characters they are currently playing, they wouldn't be able to buy a pack of smokes.

"This sort of tastes like I could go to jail for hitting someone..."
#4 - Their Props

Let's be real here, no one can help but notice that the high school from Glee appears to have the means, resources, and free-fucking-money that allows it to give the show choir kids (a group that a majority of the school detests) the ability to perform a Broadway level song every time one of the members has a freaking breakup.

"Damn, our Booster Club is awesome!"
These kids have been singing on elaborate stage set ups that an extremely affluent high school couldn't even afford for their once-every-two-years musical; and these kids use these stage set-ups when they aren't even freaking performing. Here's a little taste of what these show choir students were allowed to do to their school's stage just so they could "express themselves".

"Wait...what ABOUT the Drama Club?"
The fact is, the performances that these 15 year old demi-gods of music are able to give for their own pleasure would end up costing an outlandish amount of money. The fact is, there is no chance that a high school from what appears to be a small Ohio town would be able to afford this type of shit, and there is even less of a chance that if a school with that type of money would be generously sharing it with their music department.

"Hey man, I know these things cost $4,000 a pop...but shouldn't our football team have helmets?"
#3 - Their Songs

Despite the fact that I know every one of you soaks up cheap, high school drama like a college freshman on a beer spill, but there is one reason as to why you watch Glee: the performances. It's all about the music in the show, and quite frankly, it is outstanding. These our Broadway level singers taking on pop tunes that we all recognize and submit ourselves to enjoying. Here's the thing, though. In the world of Glee, these teens make no mistakes, and they appear to have zero practice.

"We whipped this shit up during the last passing period."
The quality of every song they sing is incredible, which is more than amazing for a high school choir. The real icing on the cake, however, is the choreography. A lot of these songs appear to be performed in an impromptu fashion, but these kids all have the magical ability to whip their ass into High School Musical gear before anyone has the time to utter a cheesy lead in line. But again, you never, EVER see them practice. These kids have surpassed just being exceedingly talented sophomores in high school and show-tuned their way into a likelihood of not even being human.

Just look at that icy, cold stare.
#2 - Supporting Musicians

Apart from the fact that Rachel refers to the shows main pianist as nothing more than a piece of furniture (which is rebutted with said pianists suicidal shoulder shrug), Glee makes it seem as if William McKinley High School has some questionable resources apart from their abundance of professional equipment. No, I am referring to these guys.

You were expecting a picture, weren't you? Well, not only do the background musicians in Glee get no acknowledgment for possessing human qualities in their show, they get none in real life. If you type in "Glee Background Musicians" on Google images, guess what you get? Well, mostly just pictures of the main characters. Ouch.

Think about it, every time you watch Glee, the main characters can break into song whenever they want to with the full confidence that they will have musical lemmings somewhere in the vicinity, waiting on their cue, and coming in with a perfect performance.

"I really hope I get to eat today."
They don't appear to ever have classes, they don't appear to really even have souls. They are treated like mere objects; in the eyes of the show choir students, these well trained and obviously talented musicians are no more than sacks of flesh that enable them to live an ignorant karaoke life. What's worse is that you will often see the main characters kick these guys off their instruments, just to seal in the fact they really don't need them.

See? Even a cripple can do it. Feel Special now?
#1 - Sue Sylvester

Pictured above: pure rage incarnate
Now, some of you may be confused as to why Sue Sylvester is on this list. Sure, if the title of this article had been "Why the World of Glee is Horrifying" or "Why the World of Glee Isn't Safe for Children", she'd have earned this spot with a focused punch to the stomach of a pregnant cheerleader (she has made it clear in the shows past that pregnant girls are useless). But why does Sue Sylvester make the world of Glee unrealistic? We've all had those nasty teachers that hate us and everything we stand for before.

Yeah we get it, Mrs. Shelley. Fuck you too.
Here is a very, VERY short track record of Sue Sylvester's misdeeds.

- Has attempted to launch a student out of a malfunctioning human cannon, making her sign a waiver first so that she nor her family can sue her if (when) she dies or gets seriously injured
- Pushes kids in the hallway (multiple times) for no other reason than her pure unbridled hysteria
- Starts an actual stampede in the school auditorium, which wouldn't be so bad if those didn't, you know, fucking kill people
- Rerouted the Glee Club's plane tickets to New York to land in Libya, where they would "be surrounded by armed militia"

Okay, so what? I've proved that she is at least a bitch of massive proportions, but what does that have to do with the show being unrealistic?

If you have been to a high school, ever, you have been around or at least heard about stories where a teacher almost loses his job for some stupid reason. Like this lady, who got fired from the Christian school she worked at for having sex three weeks before her wedding date.

The point is this: teachers get fired all the time, whether they actually did something petty, or people think they did something petty. Sylvester has supposedly worked at William McKinley High School for years, and in just two years of following her activities there, she has already committed the crimes assault, potential manslaughter if Brittany has gotten in the cannon, and God knows what else! You're telling me that she would hold on to her fucking teaching license with that kind of history?

"We call bullshit"
True, teachers can be awful, mean, degrading, and basically crazy, and still slip under the radar of their superiors. Sometimes. 

However, a student should never realistically have the fear that today might be the day that the bat-shit crazy PE teacher assaults her in a crime of relentless anger and hate, or attempts to sacrifice her life in an attempt to win a cheer leading competition.


No comments:

Post a Comment