Wednesday, June 1, 2011

5 Ridiculous PETA Quotes

Before you say anything, you knew this was coming. This blog has had some controversial moments, and you knew that somewhere in here, PETA would get theirs. I would honestly feel worse about offending some people if it weren't for the fact that it is becoming more and more clear that a good amount of PETA's higher-up's are bat-shit crazy. Below are some quotes from very respected (let's go with recognized (let's go with bat-shit crazy)) PETA officials, and some of them are...fuck it, just look for yourself.

#1 - Eating Meat = Domestic Violence

Starting us off strong will be the vice-president of PETA, Bruce Friedrich. At the 2002 Animal Rights Convention, he unleashed this tidbit of wisdom on the crowd:

"Eating meat is not your personal decision, any more than, you know, whether somebody beats their child is their personal decision." - Bruce Friedrich

Wait, what? Did Friedrich just compare waltzing down the street and grabbing a McChicken to beating your own offspring?

"What the hell?"
Little Suzie up there is right. What the hell is Bruce talking about? I understand that eating meat is somebody's personal choice, and there is no reason to ridicule someone for being a pansy. But saying that it holds the same amount of moral standing as deciding to not beat your child is probably stretching it a little far don't you think? Sadly, as this article will show again, and again, and again, PETA seems to hold their children in the same regard as poultry and other such animals.

#2 - Fire and Brimstone for Meat Eaters

Yet again, Bruce Friedrich has not-so-innocently stumbled onto this list. By the end of this article, you are going to question this man's sanity. This is a quote that was not only recorded in writing, but in audio as well. The quote? You might want to sit down.

"It would be great if all the fast-food outlets, slaughterhouses, these laboratories and the banks who fund them exploded tomorrow." Bruce Friedrich

Serves you right.
Yes, on top of being a proponent of domestic violence (source needed), Friedrich is apparently a big proponent of blowing up buildings that have shit-tonnes of people in them. Imagine if his wish came true; the death count would definitely be in the millions, and he's pretty much okay with that.

"Sounds about right"
#3 - Crime is Fine with Animals on the Line

Alex Pacheco, the director of PETA, has no problem speaking his mind (it is starting to seem that it's a requirement if you wish to work for PETA). In fact, he made a statement that appears to be that of a terrorist mindset, having been quoted saying:

"Arson, property destruction, burglary and theft are 'acceptable crimes' when used for the animal cause." - Alex Pacheco

Oh really? Because no they fucking aren't. 

"Really? Well you should have just told us that this was all in the name of Prince Puffington!"
 According to PETA's director, doing crime in the name of the animal kingdom is basically a virtual "get out of jail free" card for any type of crime. Not even petty crime, either. This man is proposing that things such as burglary, property destruction, and lighting shit on fire is all perfectly fine as long as their is an animal cause at hand. 

"Mittens" would be so proud.
 #4 - KFC = Auschwitz

No, the title of this section is not an over-exaggeration. Like, at all. This doozy of a quote comes from the President of PETA herself, Ingrid Newkirk. There really is no preface necessary for this quote, so let's just jump right in.

"Six million Jews died in concentration camps, but six billion broiler chickens will die this year in slaughter houses." - Ingrid Newkirk

Even though this quote, by itself, is merely stating facts, I'm pretty sure there was more intent that that. The intent being that she believes that chicken breast you're about to eat might as well have come from Anne Frank's thigh. Yes, she is insinuating that America's killing of millions of chicken for things like sustenance and nourishment is in the same category of "not okay" as the freaking genocide. 

Listen guys, I know this sucks, but think about the chickens.
#5 - Tom Regan is a Douche-bag

You could say that the label for this section isn't very creative, but after reading this quote by animal rights author and philosopher Tom Regan, you won't be able to say that it isn't the truth. Regan was presented with a hypothetical scenario that involved a baby and a dog in a capsized boat. The question was this: who would he save? His answer?

"If it were a retarded baby and a bright dog, I'd save the dog." - Tom Regan

 WHOA THERE, Tom Regan. Nobody presented the mental status of the child, nor the dog. However, he is making it perfectly clear that if the baby was retarded, well then fuck him.

"Are you SHITTING me right now?"
No, Damien, Regan has made his position clear. If you were drowning in the ocean, struggling for your last breath of life, and there was a fairly intelligent cockier spaniel drowning next to you, I wouldn't get your hopes up. 

Pictured above: a complete asshole

So there you have it. As much as PETA loves them some cuddly animals, here is a list of things they will not tolerate:

- Domestic violence getting more attention than those evil carnivores
- Non-flame-engulfed fast food joints and slaughter houses
- Getting convicted for crimes
- Jews being held in higher regard than chickens
- The mentally disabled

If you respected PETA before this, well now you should have some serious thinking to do. My suggestion? Steak makes great brain food.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

5 Reasons Why Glee is Completely Outlandish

Let me start off by saying that I love Glee. Every night that involves a new episode entails me, popcorn, a snuggie and some lube—I mean—butter. Anyways, I think the cast is exceptionally talented, and they pull off every song they do with fantastic results.

Pictured: Fantastic results

The only problem is this: whatever reality these show choir teens live in, it sure as hell isn't ours. Everything about this show, when compared with real life circumstances, is completely ludicrous.

And not the good kind, either. 

 #5 - The Characters

The new hit show for tween girls and homosexuals, Glee, is cast in the surprisingly glamorous world of Lima, Ohio. In the first season, we are introduced to the cast as they are starting their sophomore year of high school. The Glee club quickly comes to consist of a football captain, a pair of Asians, a few cheerleaders, the most annoying spawn of life you have ever met, a soul sista', and a cripple. And a few filler characters that were never seen again...

Seriously, what the FUCK happened to this kid?!
Allow me to return to the point at hand: the reason as to why nothing makes sense about these characters.

Well, for starters, let's point out the fact that at the beginning of their sophomore year, most of these kids should technically be 15 years old. That means they shouldn't even be old enough to drive a car without their parents, which is odd, considering most of them look old enough to have a freaking family.

If this girl is 15, then I am having some truly disturbing feelings right now.
However, one can look past the...well...looks, and just look at the freaking talent that these kids appear to posses at 15 years old. According to the writers of Glee, this is what a sophomore show choir from Ohio sounds like.

They're all so excited for their drivers tests.
Want to know why these kids look and sing absolutely nothing like any 15 year old alive? Probably due to the fact that a few of them are seasoned Broadway performers, and all of them are in their damned twenties. Rachel, for example? The actor/Broadway-star/all-around-freak-of-nature who plays her, Lea Michele, is in her fucking twenties. How about Finn, the lovable football dork? Well, he is played by Cory Monteith, who is almost thirty. In fact, the youngest actor on the show is Chris Colfer, who plays Kurt Hummel. How old is he? Well, he can go out and by any damned cocktail he wanted, because his ass is 21 friggin' years old. If these characters were the age of the characters they are currently playing, they wouldn't be able to buy a pack of smokes.

"This sort of tastes like I could go to jail for hitting someone..."
#4 - Their Props

Let's be real here, no one can help but notice that the high school from Glee appears to have the means, resources, and free-fucking-money that allows it to give the show choir kids (a group that a majority of the school detests) the ability to perform a Broadway level song every time one of the members has a freaking breakup.

"Damn, our Booster Club is awesome!"
These kids have been singing on elaborate stage set ups that an extremely affluent high school couldn't even afford for their once-every-two-years musical; and these kids use these stage set-ups when they aren't even freaking performing. Here's a little taste of what these show choir students were allowed to do to their school's stage just so they could "express themselves".

"Wait...what ABOUT the Drama Club?"
The fact is, the performances that these 15 year old demi-gods of music are able to give for their own pleasure would end up costing an outlandish amount of money. The fact is, there is no chance that a high school from what appears to be a small Ohio town would be able to afford this type of shit, and there is even less of a chance that if a school with that type of money would be generously sharing it with their music department.

"Hey man, I know these things cost $4,000 a pop...but shouldn't our football team have helmets?"
#3 - Their Songs

Despite the fact that I know every one of you soaks up cheap, high school drama like a college freshman on a beer spill, but there is one reason as to why you watch Glee: the performances. It's all about the music in the show, and quite frankly, it is outstanding. These our Broadway level singers taking on pop tunes that we all recognize and submit ourselves to enjoying. Here's the thing, though. In the world of Glee, these teens make no mistakes, and they appear to have zero practice.

"We whipped this shit up during the last passing period."
The quality of every song they sing is incredible, which is more than amazing for a high school choir. The real icing on the cake, however, is the choreography. A lot of these songs appear to be performed in an impromptu fashion, but these kids all have the magical ability to whip their ass into High School Musical gear before anyone has the time to utter a cheesy lead in line. But again, you never, EVER see them practice. These kids have surpassed just being exceedingly talented sophomores in high school and show-tuned their way into a likelihood of not even being human.

Just look at that icy, cold stare.
#2 - Supporting Musicians

Apart from the fact that Rachel refers to the shows main pianist as nothing more than a piece of furniture (which is rebutted with said pianists suicidal shoulder shrug), Glee makes it seem as if William McKinley High School has some questionable resources apart from their abundance of professional equipment. No, I am referring to these guys.

You were expecting a picture, weren't you? Well, not only do the background musicians in Glee get no acknowledgment for possessing human qualities in their show, they get none in real life. If you type in "Glee Background Musicians" on Google images, guess what you get? Well, mostly just pictures of the main characters. Ouch.

Think about it, every time you watch Glee, the main characters can break into song whenever they want to with the full confidence that they will have musical lemmings somewhere in the vicinity, waiting on their cue, and coming in with a perfect performance.

"I really hope I get to eat today."
They don't appear to ever have classes, they don't appear to really even have souls. They are treated like mere objects; in the eyes of the show choir students, these well trained and obviously talented musicians are no more than sacks of flesh that enable them to live an ignorant karaoke life. What's worse is that you will often see the main characters kick these guys off their instruments, just to seal in the fact they really don't need them.

See? Even a cripple can do it. Feel Special now?
#1 - Sue Sylvester

Pictured above: pure rage incarnate
Now, some of you may be confused as to why Sue Sylvester is on this list. Sure, if the title of this article had been "Why the World of Glee is Horrifying" or "Why the World of Glee Isn't Safe for Children", she'd have earned this spot with a focused punch to the stomach of a pregnant cheerleader (she has made it clear in the shows past that pregnant girls are useless). But why does Sue Sylvester make the world of Glee unrealistic? We've all had those nasty teachers that hate us and everything we stand for before.

Yeah we get it, Mrs. Shelley. Fuck you too.
Here is a very, VERY short track record of Sue Sylvester's misdeeds.

- Has attempted to launch a student out of a malfunctioning human cannon, making her sign a waiver first so that she nor her family can sue her if (when) she dies or gets seriously injured
- Pushes kids in the hallway (multiple times) for no other reason than her pure unbridled hysteria
- Starts an actual stampede in the school auditorium, which wouldn't be so bad if those didn't, you know, fucking kill people
- Rerouted the Glee Club's plane tickets to New York to land in Libya, where they would "be surrounded by armed militia"

Okay, so what? I've proved that she is at least a bitch of massive proportions, but what does that have to do with the show being unrealistic?

If you have been to a high school, ever, you have been around or at least heard about stories where a teacher almost loses his job for some stupid reason. Like this lady, who got fired from the Christian school she worked at for having sex three weeks before her wedding date.

The point is this: teachers get fired all the time, whether they actually did something petty, or people think they did something petty. Sylvester has supposedly worked at William McKinley High School for years, and in just two years of following her activities there, she has already committed the crimes assault, potential manslaughter if Brittany has gotten in the cannon, and God knows what else! You're telling me that she would hold on to her fucking teaching license with that kind of history?

"We call bullshit"
True, teachers can be awful, mean, degrading, and basically crazy, and still slip under the radar of their superiors. Sometimes. 

However, a student should never realistically have the fear that today might be the day that the bat-shit crazy PE teacher assaults her in a crime of relentless anger and hate, or attempts to sacrifice her life in an attempt to win a cheer leading competition.