Monday, May 23, 2011

The 5 Worst Jobs in the Country

Unless you a musician or Hugh Heffner's wife, chances are that you hate your job. You wake up early everyday so you can return to that awful 8-to-6 grind. Your coffee never tastes right, the traffic is always awful, and your boss; don't even MENTION your boss. He is, like, the biggest jag on the planet, and you've even met John Mayer.

Tell me that you don't want to sock his smug ass
You probably find yourself telling people that you are simply working the worst job in the world. Oh really? Because no you're fucking not.

Below are 5 jobs that would send your sorry ass back to the desk without a moment's hesitation.

#1 - Animal Masturbator

Oh yea. You know exactly this is going.
While you sit in a cubicle bitching about all of those FAX's you need to look through, and all of those memo's you need to get up to speed on, there is a man out there, somewhere, who is about to grasp the loins of a fucking horse and rub one out for that horse as if it were his job. Because it is.

Pictured: A good time to hit the classifieds
Granted, these people aren't just being told to jerk off livestock because there boss is a sick, sick man. They are doing this for a greater good, that greater good being that they need that sperm to then...oh god.

#2 - Animal Inseminator

It's like the baton pass from your worst  "The Deliverance" nightmares. Your co-worker has just successfully jerked off a barnyard animal-- no small feat --and you have grabbed the sticky vile and are now running towards your destination: some vacant livestock vagina. As you make your way over to the designation of said livestock's worst nightmare, you being to ponder why you didn't go to college.

The guy on left is being courteous and avoiding eye-contact
Yes. For some people, their work day consists of nothing but acting out the role of middle-man for barnyard impregnation. How's that cool, air conditioned office treating you now?

#3 - Guard at Buckingham Palace

Just a few questions before I dive into this one. Do you like being able to convey emotion? Your ability to appear human like? The privilege of sitting down? Not looking like a ridiculous asshole? Not getting treated like a ridiculous asshole? Then don't ever become a guard at Buckingham Palace.

It was his best option with that English degree...
The Buckingham Guards have been the butt of so many movie humiliations that they're starting to resemble Megan Fox's career (ZING!). Seriously, what would you do if some kid just got in your face and started saying "Do sumfing. Why don' you do sumfing? Wuh? Can't you smile? DO SUMFING!" I'll tell you what I'd do, but I might get arrested just for that alone. What can they do? Absolutely nothing. They tolerate more teasing than you did in middle school. Yea you. Pizza face.
If I were to encounter them, I would do one thing, and one thing only. Walk up to each and every one of them and say "knock knock!".


#4 - Rodeo Clowns

Okay, so these guys seem like they are fine with their jobs, but my guess is that it's only the face paint talking. Because when you think about it, their job consists of one thing and one thing only: distracting a 1500 lb swirling meat package of hate and angst who wants nothing more than to shove his horns straight from your poop chute to your nostrils. That is their job.

Better than pumping gas? Not at all.
What's worse, rodeo clowns never get famous. No, the people who are riding the bull, thus pissing it off are the ones with the fat paychecks, and they don't even have to handle the shit storm of pain that they themselves have brewed while sitting on top of a meaty testosterone cannon.

#5 - Disneyland Employee

All right. This one might be completely me, but what are Disney employees other than the exact opposite of those hard asses from Buckingham? Your job, for you entire career is to act as happy as humanly possible. It doesn't matter if you've had a bad day, it doesn't matter if it's that time of month, it doesn't matter if your boss just assigned you to "It's a Small World" for the 5th time this week, you just have to stand there and pretend that you a carefree man child.

I have never seen someone's face scream for help like this one.
  You around small children and their idiot parents, all day. You aren't allowed to even murmur a single sarcastic comment for your entire work shift. You stay there all day in the heat, while you listen to baby's crying and parents arguing, and then you drive your sorry ass back home where you proceed to drink away your sorrows while beating the shit out of that Mickey Mouse stuffed animal you stole.

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