#1 - Judges 19 Prostitute Troubles
DISCLAIMER - If you don't believe what I am about to tell you, then look it up. I dare you.
This story takes place at a time when Israel was finding itself with a heavy lack in the whole "king" department, so needless to say, people were pretty much doing what the fuck they wanted to do. With those rules on the board, an individual by the name of...shit. They don't say what his name is. An individual by the new given name of "Carl" decided that he needed him some wife action, so he went about accomplishing this task in the most reasonable way possible: he got a hooker. The verse specifically states that he "took unto him a concubine".
|Pictured: Biblical era courtship|
WARNING: This is where shit gets very, very ugly.
What proceeds to happen in this bible story literally has zero relevance to...well...anything. Randomly during their stay, there is a knock on the farmers door. He answers the door to find a group of men who state very politely that the farmer needs to give them Carl to use as a homoerotic sex-slave. After some thought, the farmer gives them a swift and solid "hell no". However, no one would ever claim this farmer to be unreasonable, as he then offered to give them his virgin daughter and Carl's wife. I find it funny that he doesn't even ask Carl's permission first, and I find it very not funny that Carl had no problem with this. However, the carnal seeking men at the door weren't having any of it, and refused to leave. Carl's solution? Throw his wife out and lock the door. I hope Carl was able to sleep that night while those men, and I quote THE FRIGGIN BIBLE, "wantonly raped her, and abused her all through the night until the morning". When morning came, they finally let her go, and she miserably slumped to the doorstep and passed out/maybe died. Are you kidding me? NOBODY LET HER IN? Finally, ass-hole-husband-of-the-year came out of the damned house. Looking upon his recently raped wife, he motioned toward her and remorsefully said "Get up, we're leaving". For the record, God has stricken people down for no more than lying about their tithes. Just saying. When Carl found that his wife was non-responsive, he responded to throw her on the donkey and leave. When he got home, he pondered what he should possibly do in this situation. At this point, I would say that this girl had earned the wife-of-the-fucking-century award, and should at least be getting some elaborate breakfast in bed. Carl's decision? He took a knife, cut her into twelve pieces, and sent her throughout the entire territory of Israel. No. I am not kidding. Look that shit up.
#2 - Deuteronomy 21: 18-21 Your Child: Between Several Rocks and a Hard Place
This one isn't a story so much as a law straight out of a Quentin Tarentino created world.
The situation: your child has been misbehaving. He has been fighting with his 7 brothers, and he simply refuses to do those chores that you ask of him. He is impolite, he speaks rudely to guests, you have simply had it up to here with this kid. You've tried everything from spanking to incessant lecturing, but he isn't having any of it.
|The brat, giving no fucks|
"If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them: Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him . . . and all the men of his city shall stone him with stones that he die."
Wait, what? Did God just condone your children being stoned for their minor childhood transgressions?
|No, no, no! Stoned, not sto---god damn it.|
#3 - Numbers 31:1-18 Moses, the Mass Murderer?
Even those of you who did not go to church as kids probably know who Moses is. He is one of the most iconic figureheads of the Christian and Jewish religions, and they would have you believe that there could be no wrong done by him.
|I mean, look at the guy. Totally white.|
|God: in conquering mode|
God, you're kind of starting to creep us out now....Oh well. This is all in the past. I mean at this point, these stories are like bad horror movies. At least God didn't leave us with any violent clifhangers, right? Haha right...?
#4 - Zephania 2:12-15 Fuck You, Ethiopia
There are few countries that place higher on the "completely harmless" scale than Ethiopia. When you even hear the countries name, you instantly think of that 50 yeard old white guy guilt tripping you into donating a quarter a day so that Skinooshabehk doesn't starve, get malaria, or just basically get killed by the beast that is Africa. I mean, let's face it, Ethiopia is pretty much fucked as it is. But hey, at least it doesn't have a violent ancient biblical prophecy looming over it's head. Right?
|For the love of all that's holy, say I'm right.|
"You Ethiopians will also be slaughtered by my sword," says the LORD. And the LORD will strike the lands of the north with his fist. He will destroy Assyria and make its great capital, Nineveh, a desolate wasteland, parched like a desert. The city that once was so proud will become a pasture for sheep and cattle. All sorts of wild animals will settle there. Owls of many kinds will live among the ruins of its palaces, hooting from the gaping windows. Rubble will block all the doorways, and the cedar paneling will lie open to the wind and weather. This is the fate of that boisterous city, once so secure. "In all the world there is no city as great as I," it boasted. But now, look how it has become an utter ruin, a place where animals live! Everyone passing that way will laugh in derision or shake a defiant fist."
Wow. Just, wow. Am I the only one picking up an alarmingly personal tone from God, here? I mean, come on. His first two words are "You Ethiopians". So this is a random promise from God, stating that he is going to lay SHIT to Ethiopia, and then it will totally be the home for, like, animals and shit. And then everyone will laugh at them. Neener-neener. This sounds like a twelve year old God swearing vengeance on that asshole in PE that always picks him last! I'm not quite sure why God has put Ethiopia on his shit list, but my advice is to just not socialize with Ethiopia for a good long while. Just to be safe.