Thursday, May 26, 2011

10 of the Worst Album Covers of All Time

In the world of modern music, it is a simple truth that an album cover can truly make or break you. After all, what is the one thing you see before you decide to purchase a CD? The album cover. With that knowledge in hand, one would be led to believe that performing artists would put some time into their decisions for cover art. However, I am going to show you ten examples of artists whose thought process in regards to their cover art is yet to be understood. These artists vary from popular to obscure, but they all have one attribute in common: awful, awful album covers.


#1 - Ken: By Request Only

Never have I seen such an empty gaze
This album cover has actually received quite a bit of notoriety on the interweb as being one of the worst album-covers of all time. And honestly, it isn't really hard to see why. Rumor has it that if you stare into "Ken"s eyes for 30 seconds without blinking, then you can close your eyes and you will notice that Ken has come out of the closet with a blank look of murder in his eye.

So who is this "Ken"? Where does he come from, what kind of music did he play? These were all hotly debated questions amongst computer-glued hipsters until someone decided to go and find out. It turns out that Ken is a Bible Belt Christian musician; his full name is Ken Snyder. He actually has had a great sense of humor about the whole internet fiasco, and like any whole-hearted and generous Christian would, he sold every last copy of the album he had. On the eBay ad's, he even put "Worst Album Cover" in the selling title. And it would appear that they got sold pretty damn quickly, as you can't find a single one on eBay anymore. Well done, Ken. Well done.

#2 - Jim Post: I Love My Life

Do you really...?
What appears to be a snapshot of Ken Snyder taking the most depressing cold shower ever witnessed is actually the cover art for American folk singer Jim Post's album, I Love My Life. The only thing is, he looks fucking traumatized. His eyes appear to tell the tale of an event so horrifying that no words will do it justice, just his blank, empty, soul-scarring stare. The culprit? He hasn't come out and said who hurt him in such a manner.

You know what you did. 

#3 - Gary Dee Bradford: Sings for You and You and You

"Baby Ruuuuuuuth!"
At first glance, it would appear that whoever this Gary Dee Bradford has gone for the psychological tactic of picking the most herp-derp child he could find to put on the cover of his album, daring you to tell the kid that his moment of fame was for naught.

Tell him. Right now.

However, the truth is much, much more horrifying. The truth being? That's actually him. Gary Dee Bradford is pictured on the cover, in all of his misshapen glory. Don't believe me? Well then take a gander.

He's probably made better choices than buying the puppet...
#4 - The Beatles: Yesterday and Today

Now, I am sure that most of you are wondering why on earth The Beatles even made this list. For most baby boomers and hipsters, The Beatles can do no wrong. Besides, the cover art for that album wasn't even bad!

Not creative, but not bad either.

Well, this isn't what The Beatles intended to have as their album cover. The truth is, their original album cover got recalled from distributors. Now, why would they do something like that? What could The Beatles have possibly put on the original album cover that would cause it to get recalled?

Oh...oh Jesus.
Yes. The Beatles had apparently decided that the best choice for an album cover was them dressed up as butchers, surrounded by meat and fake baby parts. Kids, this is why you don't do LSD.

#5 - The Ministers Quartet: Let Me Touch Him

Please?
I don't even need to explain why this album is disturbing. I really don't. Granted, it isn't their fault that their album name grossly lends itself to a common minister stereotype, but...no. It's pretty much their fault.


#6 - Geraldine and Ricky: Trees Talk Too!

But we sort of wish they didn't

This album cover displays two of my greatest fears: puppets, and the mistress of horror that is holding this particular one. This lady must have been wondering "Hey, I wonder how I can make a ventriloquist puppet even creepier than it originally would be?"
The answer? A turtle neck and pink slacks. She also appears to have done herself a favor by giving the puppet a pale complexion that makes her look like less of a cold-hearted Ice Queen. An ill-fated ploy, if I do say so myself.

#7 - Prince: Lovesexy

A landmark achievement for the pencil moustache
There is honestly too many things going against this album cover. Maybe it's the huge flowers that represent an unfortunate attempt to display Prince's innocence, or maybe it's the fact that Prince decided that he would look best naked. It might also be that Prince is covering his chest as if he were hiding breasts. Quite honestly, it's making me wonder if he really is. The most disturbing part of this photo, however, is the fact that you can't stop looking at it. 

#8 - David Hasselhoff: Night Rocker

Kip looks slightly embarrassed 
David Hasselhoff, deciding that his not-really-hit TV show wasn't cheesy enough, decided that he would try his hand in music; and he took Kip along for the ride. Word isn't out quite yet on exactly what instrument Kip will be playing, but I'm going with keyboard.

#9 - Herbie Man: Push Push

Wow.
Herbie Man decided that he had a mission, a simple mission: prove once and for all that the flute does not have to be an instrument for females. His idea? Shoot an album cover that features his abnormally hairy figure, naked, holding the flute like he had just got done doing some unmentionable deeds with it. As a result, this album cover continues to be an inspiration for flute playing rapists everywhere.


#10 - Mike Crain: God's Power

"In the name of the Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit...HIYA!!!"
First off, I would like to apologize for putting this album cover on the list of "Worst Album Covers", as this clearly is a portrait of what may be the most badass preacher in all of existence. Sure, some preachers try to convey the love of their God through heart felt preaches and altar calls, but Mike Crain has made a judgment call: he will build his ministry on the fact that he can plow his palm through cinder blocks faster than you can decide that Jesus might just be an all-right guy.

However, if you think that Mike Crain is the one holy man with an iron fist, you would be wrong.

2 comments:

  1. Oh....oh gosh I laughed out loud several times while reading this. Seriously, you crack me up!

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  2. So...block out everything on Ken's face but his eyes. Seriously...those eyes look just like Craig's!!! HaHa. And, Herbie Man? Not good.

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