Tuesday, May 24, 2011

5 Animals That You Won't Believe Exist

We all know that the world is an unpredictable place. We get it, we've all seen the Discovery Channel (for those of you who haven't, you don't really appreciate sharks). However, Mother Earth somehow still has a way of throwing us a curveball every once in a while, and when she does, things can get ugly. The animals in this list, if I am being honest, are all horrifying. If you are easily scared, easily nauseated, or a vegetarian (you WILL want to kill these things), then I would go read another article from this blog. May I suggest this one? For those of you who are not giant pussies, however, you are in for a...I'm not going to call any of this a treat.

#1 - The Indian Gharial

"Is this where I audition for 'Pokemon'?"
You changed pants yet? Good. Meet one of God's monstrosities, the Indian Gharial. It is a rare crocodile found in India, and is the first animal that I have been pleased to report is on the endangered species list. This picture may be misleading as to its size, however. These sons-of-bitches can grow to be over twenty freaking feet long. This is just slightly shorter than the Saltwater Crocodile, which looks a little something like this.

It's all fun and games until you realize that an inch of plastic isn't good enough.
The crocodile pictured above may be huge, but I am going to put it below the Indian Gharial on the "shit yourself" scale due to the fact that its jaws don't appear to have been designed by Black & Decker.

#2 -  The Yeti Lobster

First off, let's be clear. Any animal to have earned a title with "Yeti" in the name should be considered horrifying on any level. This creature of Satan, however, managed to elude any sort of classification until 2005, when it was first discovered. All right, I have stalled on revealing this image of horror until now. Have fun trying to ever swim in an ocean again. 

It's daring you to sell it for $8.00 a lb.

 What the fuck, nature?! How has something that appears to be a combination of a muppet and pure fear managed to stay hidden until 2005? Well, it is because you won't be finding it anywhere near the beach (you can reschedule those island vacations, now). It was found living 2,300 meters down in the ocean near Easter Island, living near hydrothermal vents. So luckily for you, these creatures can't hurt you in real life. No promises on whether or not they will haunt your dreams, however.

#3 - The Dumbo Octopus

Let's get straight to the picture on this one.

"Why won't anyone love me?!"
Okay, so this one is less horrifying, and more

If there is a set up social ranking for octopi (and I like to think there is), the Dumbo Octopus is getting itself shoved in a locker. This thing looks like God had a quota for marine animals, and was quickly approaching his deadline when he decided to just say "screw it".  First off, can you notice one think wrong with this octopus other than the fact that it looks miserably lonely? How about the freaking fins? Many people make the mistake of thinking that they are ears, thus naming giving it the ridiculous name, but they are actually large fins that it uses to assist it in swimming. These octopuses can be found up to 7000 meters deep in the ocean, the deepest residing octopus. I hypothesize that this is due to the fact that shallow water is for the cool kids--er--octopi.

#4 - The White Turtle

This one should be avoided for those of you who have weak stomachs, or want to be able to enjoy Thanksgiving turkey ever, ever again. Here it is.

"Somebody. Anybody. Kill me."
If you think it looks like a sad, sorry creature of misfortune from this angle, then check this out.

"Can I PLEASE put it down now?"
Apart from being ugly as sin, this rare turtle actually holds a significant place in Chinese culture, believe it or not. In the novel Journey from the West, a Chinese entity is turned into one for their misdeeds and wrongdoings. Makes sense.

#5 - Star-Nosed Mole

Let me assure you, I have saved the best for last. By best, of course, I mean utterly horrifying and nightmare inducing. Without any further ado, I give you the Star-Nosed Mole.

No words. None.
This thing looks like an experiment gone horribly wrong, but don't worry, it is completely natural and lives in North America. It like to live in low wetland areas, and feeds on small invertebrates, worms, mollusks, and your soul. It's scientific name is ohmyjesus dontletit touchme, and is NOT an endangered species. But here's to hoping. I'll leave you with a picture of one of its better angles

The Star-Nosed Mole, pictured here just before laying waste to the dreams of children

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