1. Largest Gathering of Santa's Elves
I'll begin by saying that I would assume the largest gathering of elves to be at the north pole. Duh. However, the Guinness Book of World Records managed to find a group of people determined to absolutely ruin the lives of an entire city block during Christmas time.
|"We bring you gifts of inconvenience!"|
|$10 for the first person to point out who doesn't belong...|
The record was set in New York, and every elf present participated in wholesome activities such as baking cookies, ice skating, wrapping presents, and holding fake strikes.
|For logically working under the same conditions as Nike employees, they sport surprisingly peppy get-ups|
2. Longest Distance Dragged by Horse While on Fire
Let me start here by saying no, I am not fucking kidding you. I find myself wondering if this award came with the additional World Record for "Most Attention Hungry Man on Earth", but I have yet to find proper evidence of such. I digress. The man behind this death-wish of a record is Halapi Roland of Kisoroszi, Hungary. If I am the only one who found that this record made more sense when I found out that the guy was from Hungary, then I will attempt to beat his record. By the way, I'll say it again: I am nowhere close to kidding you right now. It's too bad no one even bothered to get photo or video evidence of the insane feat.
|Oh wait. There is a picture, because there is a God.|
3. Most Straws Shoved Into Mouth
When we were kids, we all had childhood goals. Some kids wanted to be a firefighter, an astronaut, maybe even a Brazilian Massage-Therapist (I will NOT give up on my dreams, mom and dad). However, it seems that Germany's Simon Elmore grew up with different ambitions. Maybe it started with an ambitious encounter with a milkshake, or maybe he's just from Germany and really didn't have all that much to do. Either way, he holds the world record for the most straws shoved into one's mouth, managing to squeeze 400 straws between his lips.
|He credits Uncle Gunther as his personal trainer|
This sends the message that anyone, and I mean anyone, can obtain a Guinness World Record as long as they have
A. No friends
B. A shit-load of time
C. Any household object
4. Oldest Wingwalker
Around the time you turn 60, things start to change in permanent ways. Your back isn't what it used to be, not to mention your mind, and your kids have started to look into creative ways to try and cash in on your will and get you in a home. You start hitting on nurses, waitresses, and basically anyone with boobs and something resembling a personality. It's a sad life. That is, unless your name is Thomas Fucking Lackey (source needed for middle name). He holds the record for being the oldest wingwalker in the world. Also, just in case you were wondering what exactly "wingwalking" is...
|"What's that? You kids think skateboarding is bad ass?"|
5. Most Tattooed Senior-Citizen
I promise, you really have no clue where this is going. This record is maintained by 74 year old named Tom Leppard of the UK, who has 99.9% of his body covered in tattoos. On an important note, I have yet to find a source that states what that .01% portion of his skin is. I'll be accepting your best guesses in the comments below. Now, let's get to the important part. What kind of tattoos did Leppard go with? Possibly a creative, artistic tale of his life depicted through the ancient art of ink?
|Where's a poacher when you need one?|
6. Largest Collection of Gnomes
There is one thing in this world that is creepier than your high-school gym teacher, and that is fucking gnomes. I have never, not once, seen a gnome that didn't have rape in it's eyes.
|"There's no place like gnome, baby"|
|As you can see, the hauntingly blank stares are contagious.|